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Carnation Milk - a true story

75 Years Ago

A little old lady from Wisconsin had worked in and around her family dairy farms since she was old enough to walk, with hours of hard work and little compensation.

When canned Carnation Milk became available in grocery stores in the 1940s, she read an advertisement offering $5,000 for the best slogan.

The producers wanted a rhyme beginning With 'Carnation Milk is best of all.'

She thought to herself, I know everything there is to know about milk and dairy farms. I can do this!

She sent in her entry, and several weeks later, a black car pulled up in front of her house. A large man got out, knocked on her door and said, "Ma'am,.....The president of Carnation milk absolutely LOVED your entry.....So much, in fact, that we are here to award you $1,000 even though we will not be able to use it for our advertisements!"

He did, however, have one printed up to hang on his office wall.

Here it is:

Child birth

A woman and a man are lying in bed next to each other when her phone rings.

She picks up, the man looks over at her and listens.

She is speaking in a cheery voice, "Hi. I'm so glad you called. Really? That's wonderful. I'm so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye."

She hangs up and the man asks, "Who was that?" "Oh," she replies, "that was my husband telling me about the great time he's having on his fishing trip with you."

Why don't you tell me when you orgasm?

What gender is a computer?

Ice cream, romance

If you're married, you may understand

Scam Artist

Men are scum:

This comes from 2 math teachers with a combined total of 70 years’ experience.

It has an indisputable mathematical logic. It also made me Laugh Out Loud. This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint ... and it goes like this:

What Makes 100%?

What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?

We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.

How about achieving 103%?

What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

Are represented as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K

8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

And

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E

11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But ,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E

1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T

2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G

1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, than while Hardwork and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there. It is the Bullshit and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.

Now you know why Politicians are where they are!

I’ve never seen a better explanation than this formula, how true it is.

I met a magical fairy yesterday who said she would grant me one wish.

"I wish to live forever," I said.

"Sorry," said the fairy, "That is the only wish that I'm not allowed to grant."

"Fine," I said, "then I want to die the day after Congress is filled with honest, hard-working, bipartisan men and women who act only in the people's best interests!"

"You crafty little bastard," replied the fairy.

The Italian Golfer

Russ Buttacovoli, an 80-year-old Italian goes to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, 'how do you stay in such great physical condition?'

I'm Italian and I am a golfer,' says Russ, 'and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways. I have a glass of vino, and all is well.'

"'Well' says the doctor, 'I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your Father when he died?

"Who said he was dead?"

The doctor is amazed. 'You mean you're 80 years old and your Father's still alive. How old is he?'

'He's 100 years old,' says Russ. 'In fact he golfed with me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk and had a little vino and that's why he's still alive. He's Italian and he's a golfer, too.'

'Well,' the doctor says, 'that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your Father's Father? How old was he when he died?'

'Who said my Nonno's dead?'

Stunned, the doctor asks, 'you mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! Incredible, how old is he?'

'He's 118 years old,' says the Old Italian golfer.

The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, 'So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?'

'No, Nonno couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today.'

At this point the doctor is close to losing it. 'Getting married? Why would a 118 year- old guy want to get married?'

'Who said he wanted to?

Stages of marriage

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about , 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet. 'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.

He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!’

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon "quickie" with their 8-year-old son in the
apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on
all the neighborhood activities.
"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted.
He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:
"An ambulance just drove by!"
"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out.
"Matt's riding a new bike!"
"Looks like the Sanders are moving!"
"Jason is on his skate board!"
After a few moments he announced, "The Coopers are having sex!!"
Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed. Dad cautiously called out,
"How do you know they're having sex?"
"Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle."

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know, but you know deserves it.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found Robyn’s number and dialed it.

A man answered, saying 'Hello.'

I politely said, 'This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?' Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear 'Get the right fucking number!' And the phone was slammed down on me.

I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.

When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled 'You're an asshole!' And hung up.

I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer.

Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, 'You're an asshole!'

It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole' calling would have to stop.

So, I called his number and said, 'Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?'

He yelled 'NO!' And slammed down the phone.

I quickly called him back and said, 'That's because you're an asshole!' And hung up.

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot.

Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a 'For Sale ' sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial) I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole, too.

I said, 'Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?'

He said, 'Yes, it is.'

I then asked, 'Can you tell me where I can see it?'

He said, 'Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd., in Fairfax, it's a yellow ranch style house and the car's parked right out in front.'

I asked, 'What's your name?'

He said, 'My name is Don Hansen.'

I asked, 'When's a good time to catch you, Don?'

He said, 'I'm home every evening after five.'

I said, 'Listen, Don, can I tell you something?'

He said, 'Yes?'

I said, 'Don, you're an asshole!' Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.

Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.

One day, I came up with an idea...

I waited until after 5pm, then called asshole #1.

He said, 'Hello'

I said, 'You're an asshole!' (But I didn't hang up.)

He asked, 'Are you still there?'

I said, 'Yeah!'

He screamed, 'Stop calling me'

I said, 'Make me.'

He asked, 'Who are you?'

I said, 'My name is Don Hansen.'

He said, 'Yeah? Where do you live?'

I said, 'Asshole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd., in Fairfax, a yellow ranch style home and I have a black Beamer parked in front.'

He said, 'I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers.'

I said, 'Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole,' and hung up.

Then I called Asshole #2. He said, 'Hello?'

I said, 'Hello, asshole,'

He yelled, 'If I ever find out who you are...'

I said, 'You'll what?'

He exclaimed, 'I'll kick your ass'

I answered, 'Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now.'

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I was on my way over to 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, to kill my gay lover. Then I called Channel 7 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd. in Fairfax. I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax....

I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.

NOW I feel much better.

Anger management really does work.

Snitch

Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they know they are in love.

One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.

Bruce bravely walks up to him and says,

"Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."

Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Bruce, you are only 10. Where will you two live - ??"

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies,

"In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."

Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay, then how will you live - ??

You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny."

Again, Bruce instantly replies, "Our allowance, Jenny makes five bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, so that should do us just fine."

Mr. Smith is impressed, Bruce has put so much thought into this.

"Well Bruce, it seems like you have everything figured out. I just have one more question.

What will you do if the two of you should have little children of your own?"

Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, we've been lucky so far."

Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little shit is adorable!

Friends forever

A 90-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back with normal results.The doctor says,
"Jack, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”

Jack replies, "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He's fixed it
so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I'm done, poof!
The light goes off.""Wow, that's incredible," the doctor says.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls Jack's wife. "Ethel," he says, "Jack is doing fine! But I had to call
you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night, and poof,
the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof, the light goes off?”

"Oh, sweet Jesus!" exclaims Ethel."He's peeing in the refrigerator again!"

Paddy, just moved to Liverpool from Cork, walks into a pub and orders three pints of Guinness. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar to order three more.

The bartender approaches and tells him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."

Paddy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is an accountant the other is a solicitor, both living in London. When we all left our home in Cork, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

Paddy becomes a regular in the pub and always drinks the same way. He orders three pints and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and only orders two. All the regulars take notice and fall silent.

When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss".

Paddy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.

"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."

"Hasn't affected my brothers though...."

Grandfather of the Year

A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly-behaved grandson. He has his hands full with the child screaming for lollies, bickies, all sorts of things. The grandpa is saying in a controlled voice: "Easy, William, we won't be long, easy boy." The boy has another outburst and she hears the grandpa calmly say : "It's okay William. Just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there."

At the checkout the little horror is throwing items out of the shopping cart. Grandpa says again in a controlled voice, "William, William, relax mate, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes, stay cool William."

Very impressed, she goes outside to where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She says: "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."

"Thanks," says the grandpa, "but I am William. This little bastard's name is Kevin."

Revenge Parking...

Saying grace:

A sweet old lady is asked to say Grace at a gathering of "Seniors at Home" caregivers, and she brought down the house about 90 seconds into her prayer.

Recently, a female sheriff's deputy arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22 year old white male, who was fornicating with a pumpkin in the middle of a field at night.

The next day, at the Gwinnet County (Georgia) courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency and public intoxication.

The suspect explained that he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop. He explained: "As there was no one around for miles, or at least I thought there was no one around," he stated.

Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his pressing need. “Guess I was really into it, y'know?” he commented with evident embarrassment.

In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching sheriff's car and was unaware of his audience until Deputy Brenda Taylor approached him.

'It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,' said Deputy Taylor. 'I walked up to Lawrence and he's just humping away at this pumpkin.’ Deputy Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence. 'I said: 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin? 'He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said: 'A pumpkin? Shit ... is it midnight already?'

The court (and the judge) could not contain their laughter. Lawrence was found guilty only of public intoxication, fined $10.00 and sent on his way.

Sir Reginald's Marvellous Organ

Aunty Acid coffee mugs

His Lordship was in the study when the butler approached and coughed discreetly.

"May I ask you a question, My Lord?"

"Go ahead, Carson ," said His Lordship.

"I am doing the crossword in The Times and I have found a word I am not too clear on."

"What word is that?" asked His Lordship.

"Aplomb," My Lord.

"Now that's a difficult one to explain. "Let me give you an example to make it clearer. Do you remember a few months ago when the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge arrived to spend a weekend with us?"

"I remember the occasion very well, My Lord. It gave the staff and myself much pleasure to look after them."

"Also," continued the Earl of Grantham, "do you remember when Wills plucked a rose for Kate in the rose garden?"

"I was present on that occasion, My Lord, ministering to their needs.”

"While plucking the rose, a thorn embedded itself in his thumb very deeply."

"I witnessed the incident, My Lord, and saw the Duchess herself remove the thorn and bandage his thumb with her own dainty handkerchief."

"That evening the hole that the rose made on his thumb was very sore. Kate had to cut up his venison.”

"Yes, My Lord, I did see everything that transpired that evening."

"The next morning while you were pouring coffee for Her Ladyship, Kate inquired of Will with a loud voice, 'Darling, does your prick still throb?'

And you, Carson, did not spill one drop of coffee! THAT is "aplomb."

The Shortest Prostate Exam Ever!

During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “Where should I put my pants ?"

“Over there by mine,” was not the answer I was expecting.

Ice cream cone

Robot for sale

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it out at dinner tonight.

The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.

The son says, "I did some schoolwork."

The robot slaps the son.

The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."

Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"

Son says, "Toy Story."

The robot slaps the son.

Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn."

Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was."

The robot slaps the father.

Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son."

The robot slaps the mother.

Robot for sale

If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the famous erudite (comic) scientist who once said: "I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates. "His mind sees things differently than most of us do. . .. Here are some of his gems:.....

1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

3 - Half the people you know are below average.

4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.

9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.

10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ..... But she left me before we met.

12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?

13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.

19 - I intend to live forever ... So far, so good.

20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.

34 - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

At a wine merchant, the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.

A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position.
The director of the winery wondered how to send him away.

He gave him a glass to drink.
The drunk tried it and said:
"It's a Muscat , three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade, but acceptable."

"That's correct", said the boss.

Another glass....
"It's a cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees. Requires three more years for finest results."
"Correct."

A third glass...
''It's a pinot blanc champagne, high grade and exclusive,'' calmly said the drunk.
The director was astonished.

He winked at his secretary, secretly suggesting something.
She left the room, and came back in with a glass of urine.

The alcoholic tried it.

"It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant - and if I don't get the job, I'll name the father."

Ciao, Y'all

This actually earned a poetry prize in West Virginia in 1912

You just knew it was out there cause we've all been there at least once during our lifetime

Someone has finally managed to photograph the pot at the end of the rainbow.

Wouldn't you know it!

An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning 'til night she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He plowed a lot.

One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began nagging him again. Complain, nag, complain, nag - it just went on and on. All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet, caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.

At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something
rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement.

This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it. So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.

The old farmer said, 'Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement.'

'And what about the men?' the minister asked.

'They wanted to know if the mule was for sale.'

Assicons

When an innocent photo goes wrong...

True friendship -

Life in IT

An elevator without buttons

My wife asked me to put the pie in the oven at 120 degrees.
It took some doing but typically she showed no appreciation.

And, another from the Mike Spier collection:

From the mouths of babes ...

I recall my first time with a condom. I was 16. I went in to buy a packet of condoms. In those days it took a lot of guts to go in a store and ask for that kind of item because everyone in town knew me and there was no doubt the young lady (I think her name was Delores) knew what they were for.

She was working as an assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was really embarrassed by the whole procedure. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, 'No, not really.' So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure.

Apparently I still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it were empty. It was. 'Just a minute,' she said, and walked to the door and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. 'Do these excite you?' she asked. Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was stand there with my mouth open and nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk. 'Well, come on', she said, 'We don't have much time.' So I climbed onto her. It was so wonderful that, unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW, I was done within a few moments. She looked at me with a bit of a frown. 'Did you put that condom on?' she asked. I said, 'sure did,' and held up my thumb to show her.

That's when she beat the shit out of me.... Women have always been hard for me to figure out.

The Weather Report in North Dakota (from Michael Lichtenstein)

Native American Indian weather broadcast straight off of a reservation TV station in North Dakota: Finally, a weather report that doesn't take 10 minutes to explain with multiple graphics and words that you have no clue as to what they mean. This is direct and to the point!

Watch & listen�/SPAhttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x8hGIF9FljM

Cute and Funny

Texting

An older Florida couple had just learned how to send text messages on their
cell phones. The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a
no-nonsense guy.

One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee. She decided
to send her husband a romantic text message and she wrote:

"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me
your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a
sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you."

The husband texted back to her:

"I'm on the toilet. Please advise"

Attack of the devil baby

The Pharmacist's Morning...

Arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife.

Tearfully she explained, "It's the Pharmacist, he insulted me this morning.

I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone."

Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology.

Before he could say more than a word or two, the Pharmacist told him,

"Now, just a minute, listen to my side, this morning the alarm failed to go

off, I was late getting up, went without breakfast, hurried out to the

car, realize I had locked the house with both house and car keys inside,

had to break a window to get my keys."

"Driving a little too fast, received a speeding ticket, when three blocks from the

store, had a flat tire."

"When finally arriving at the store, numerous people were waiting for me,

opened the store, started waiting on customers, all that time, phone was constantly

ringing."

"Had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, they

spilled all over the floor, got down on my hands and knees to pick up

the nickels, the phone was still ringing.

When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back

against a showcase with perfume bottles on it, half of them hit the floor and broke."

"Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing, I finally got back to answer it,

it was your wife, she wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer.

Believe me mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her."

Seniors' bar:

Questions that plague me ....

Computers ...

... are like women
Computers are Like Women... No one but the Creator understands their internal logic. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it. You do the same thing for years, and suddenly it's wrong.

... are like men
Computers are Like Men... In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem. They have a lot of data but are still clueless. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer you could have had a better model. They hear what you say, but not what you mean.

Subject: Irish priest in TEXAS.

An Irish priest was transferred to Texas----

Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new west
Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of
the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of
his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station.

The conversation went like this:

"Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"

"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann 's Catholic Church.
There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple
o'yer lads to take care of the matter?"

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit and recognizing the foreign accent,
thought he would have a little fun with the good father, replied, "Well now Father, it was always
my impression that you people took care of the last rites!"

There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.......
Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye,'tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next
of kin first, which is the reason for me call."

It's true, it's true!
You really can't fix stupid....

You have to really be a particular kind of stupid to go fishing with a
hand grenade and drop it right next to the boat. This really doesn't get old.
I could watch it for hours.

Doggie Hall of Shame (Mike Spier)

Self-explanatory (from Russ Eggen)

A group of women attended a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with their husband. The women were asked, "How many of you love your husbands?"

All the women raised their hands. Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?"

Some women answered today, some yesterday, some didn't remember. The women were then told to take their cell-phones and send the following text: "I love you, sweetheart."

Then the women were asked to share the responses from their husbands. Replies:

        Who is this?
        What now? Did you crash the car again?
        I don't understand what you mean.
        What did you do now?
        Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need.
        Am I dreaming?
        I thought we agreed not to drink during the day.
        Your mother is coming to stay?

One of those days ....

The Operation

A recent article in the Kentucky Post reported that a woman, one Anne Maynard, has sued St Luke's hospital, saying that after her husband was treated there recently, he had lost all interest in sex.

A hospital spokesman replied, "Mr. Maynard was actually admitted in Ophthalmology - all we did was correct his eyesight."

It took decades but the prediction made by Abbot and Costello finally came true!

Can you remember your first really difficult decision?

Professor Higgins at the University of Sydney was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscle Contraction' to the first year medical students.

This was not an exciting subject and the professor decided to lighten up the mood.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, 'Do you know what your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'

She replied, 'Probably golfing with his buddies.’

It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom.

Magic Sex Sandals

A married couple were on holiday in Jamaica . They were touring around the market-place looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop.

From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, 'You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop.'

So the married couple walked in. The Jamaican said to them, 'I 'ave some special sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey makes you wild at sex.'

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the Sex God that he was.

The husband asked the man, 'How could sandals make you a sex freak?'

The Jamaican replied, 'Just try dem on, Mon.'

Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in and tried them on.

As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen before!!

In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him over the table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's thighs.

The Jamaican began screaming: 'You got dem on de wrong feet!'

Never Choke in a Restaurant in the South!

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says,
'Kin ya swallar?'

The woman shakes her head no.

Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.
As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.

His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'

Senior cheer ...

The Newspaper is not dead ....

Patience

A State Trooper was patrolling late at night off the main highway. At nearly midnight, he sees a couple in a car, in lovers' lane, with the interior light brightly glowing. He carefully
approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine.

He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, filing her fingernails.

Puzzled by this surprising situation, the trooper walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window. The young man lowers his window. 'Uh, yes, Officer'?

The trooper asks: 'What are you doing?

The young man says: 'Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine. Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the trooper says: ' And, her, what is she doing'?

The young man shrugs: 'Sir, I believe she's filing her fingernails.

Now, the trooper is totally confused. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a lover's lane and nothing obscene is happening!

The trooper asks: 'What's your age, young man'? The young man says: 'I'm 22, sir'. The trooper asks: ' And her, .... what's her age'?

The young man looks at his watch and replies: 'She'll be 18 in 11 minutes.'

ONE FOR ALL THE OLD CODGERS!

There was a family gathering, with all generations around the table.

Mischievous teenagers put a Viagra tablet into Grandpa's drink, and after a while, Grandpa excused himself because he had to go to the bathroom.

When he returned, however, his trousers are wet all over.

'What happened, Grandpa?' asked by his concerned children.

'Well,' he answered, 'I don't really know. I had to go to the bathroom. So I took it out and started to pee, but then I saw that it wasn't mine, so I put it back!'

Thoughts ...

As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind - every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.
     ~ John Glenn

When the white missionaries came to Africa they had the Bible and we had the land. They said 'Let us pray.' We closed our eyes. When we opened them we had the Bible and they had the land.
     ~ Desmond Tutu

America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.
     ~ David Letterman

After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box.
     ~ Italian proverb

Men are like linoleum floors. Lay 'em right and you can walk all over them for thirty years.
     ~ Betsy Salkind

I've been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take out the garbage.
     ~ Zsa Zsa Gabor

When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.
     ~ Prince Philip

Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself.
     ~ Harrison Ford

Lawyers believe a man is innocent until proven broke.
     ~ Robin Hall

Kill one man and you're a murderer, kill a million and you're a conqueror.
     ~ Jean Rostand.

Having more money doesn't make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I'm just as happy as when I had 48 million.
     ~ Arnold Schwarzenegger.

We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea.
~ W.H. Auden

If life were fair Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead.
     ~ Johnny Carson

I don't believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we're very skeptical.
     ~ Arthur C Clarke

Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap.
     ~ Steve Martin

Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is.
     ~ Jimmy Durante

The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone.
     ~ George Roberts

If God had intended us to fly he would have made it easier to get to the airport
     ~ Jonathan Winters

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
     ~ Robert Benchley

Redneck Skydiving

Just when you think you've seen it all....

You've gotta watch this one; Keep watching, 'cause when it happens, it happens Quick!

I Forgot my Glasses..........

Yesterday my daughter again asked why I didn't do something useful with my time. Talking about my "doing something useful" seemed to be her favorite topic of conversation. She was "only thinking of me", and suggested I go down to the senior center and hang out with the guys.

I did this and when I got home last night I decided to teach her a lesson about staying out of my business.

I told her that I had joined a parachute club.

She said, "Are you nuts? You're almost 79 years old and you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"

I proudly showed her that I even got a membership card.

She said to me, "Good grief, where are your glasses! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."

"I'm in trouble again, and I don't know what to do ... I signed up for five jumps a week." I told her.

She fainted.

Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier, but sometimes it can be fun.

A small church had a very attractive big busted organist, and her breasts were so large that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ. Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably.
The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.

So, one of the ladies approached her very discreetly about the problem, and told her to mash up some green persimmons and rub them on her nipples and over her breasts, which should cause them to shrink in size, but warned her not to taste any of the green persimmons, because they are so sour they will make your mouth pucker up, and you won't be able to talk properly for awhile.

The voluptuous organist, reluctantly agreed to try it.

The following Sunday morning the minister walked up to the pulpit and said...

Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not hab a thermon tewday

The Lucky Escape (Why you always let the girl talk first)

After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in her seat and closed her eyes.
As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice: "Hi sweetheart. It's Eric. I'm on the train."
"Yes, I know it's the six-thirty and not the four-thirty, but I had a long meeting."
"No, honey, not with that blonde from the accounts office. It was with the boss."
"No, sweetheart, you're the only one in my life."
"Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart."
Fifteen minutes later, he was still talking loudly.
When the young woman sitting next to him had enough, she leaned over and said into the phone, "Eric, hang up the phone and come back to bed."
Eric doesn't use his cell phone in public any longer.

Bear interrupts film shoot in BC (Leroy Schultz)

From Michael Lichetnstein's collection:

Abbott and Costelo, "Who's on First?"
and Jimmy Falon's redux

Why I still get the paper (Lorin Kane)

Man called Brian

A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He
Got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just
Like Brian"

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Brian Sullivan. He's a guy who did everything right all the
Time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like
That to Brian Sullivan, every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Brian Sullivan. He was a terrific athlete. He could have
Won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like
An opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have
Heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered
everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and
Which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I
Change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Brian Sullivan, he
Could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid
Traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But
Brian, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman
And make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was
In the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly
Polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one
Could ever measure up to Brian Sullivan."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian. He died. I'm married to
His F____ing widow!"

Scottish Marriage Proposal (R rated)

Saying goodbye to mother (from Ron Childs)

We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.

We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house.

As we walked out the door, the cat we had put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house. Because she always tries to eat the bird.

My wife goes on out to the taxi, while I went back inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, 'He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother.'

A few minutes later, I get into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' I said, as we drove away. 'That stupid witch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her butt with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat butt downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!'

The cab driver hit a parked car.

Australian Bike Ad

Testimony (from Jeffrey Parker)

Here are six reasons why you should think
before you speak -the last one is great!
Have you ever spoken and wished that
you could immediately take the words back...
Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....

FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three
kids in tow and asked loudly,
'How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?'
I turned around and walked back out and never went back
My husband didn't say a word...he knew better.

SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls.
I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using.
After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by
one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store.
He asked if he could help me.
Without thinking, I looked at him and said,
'I think I like playing with men's balls'

THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and
passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts.
As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind
the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, '
No, I'm just looking at your nuts.'
My sister started to laugh hysterically.
The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.
To this day, my sister has never let me forget.

FOURTH TESTIMONY:
While in line at the bank one afternoon,
my toddler decided to release
some pent-up energy and ran amok.
I was finally able to grab hold of
her after receiving looks of disgust
and annoyance from other patrons.
I told her that if she did not start behaving
'right now' she would be punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said
in a voice just as threatening,
'If you don't let me go right now,
I will tell Grandma that I saw you
kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!'
The silence was deafening after this enlightening
exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing.
I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked
out of the bank with my daughter in tow.
The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were

screams of laughter.

FIFTH TESTIMONY:
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?
My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training
and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell
for a quick lunch, in between errands It was very busy,
with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco,
I smelled something funny, so of course I checked
my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean.
Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty
in a while. I asked him if he needed to go,
and he said 'No' .. I kept thinking
'Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and
I don't have any clothes with me.' Then I said,
'Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?'
'No,' he replied.
I just KNEW that he must have had an accident,
because the smell was getting worse.
Soooooo, I asked one more time,

'Danny did you have an accident ?

This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants,
bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled
'SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!'
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing,
he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.

An old couple made me feel better, thanking me for the
best laugh they'd ever had!

LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days
and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will,
in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens
when you predict snow but don't get any! We had a
female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed
to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman
and asked:
'So Bob, where's that 8 inches you
promised me last night?'

Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew
did too they were laughing so hard!

A rather elderly gentleman (mid-eighties) walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. He is very well-dressed, smelling slightly of an
expensive after-shave, hair well-groomed, great-looking suit, flower in his lapel. He presents a suave, well-looked-after image.

Seated at the bar is an elderly fine-looking lady (mid-seventies).

The gentleman walks over, sits along-side of her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says, "So tell me, lovely lady, do I come here often?"

Mad Cows

There are so many TV channels and every one of them looking for new programs.
In an Australian rural program for farmers, a female TV reporter was sent out to try and seek an explanation for Mad Cow disease. She arranged an interview with a farmer who may have theories on the matter to try and find an answer.

The interview went as follows:

Lady reporter: I am here to collect information on the possible sources of Mad Cow Disease. Can you offer any reason for this disease?

The farmer stared at the reporter and said.
Do you know that a bull mounts a cow only once a year?

Reporter: Well, sir, I have to admit that I was not aware of this fact (obviously embarrassed), but what's that got to do with Mad Cow disease?

Farmer: Well, madam, do you know that cows get milked twice a day?

Reporter: Yes Sir, but what's the point?

Farmer: I am getting to the point, madam. Just imagine, if I was playing with your tits twice a day...and only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you go mad?

THE INTERVIEW WAS NEVER AIRED...

Lexicon Addition:

Exhaustipated

Here is a new word to add to your vocabulary.

It will be especially useful to those of us who are senior citizens !

Exhaustipated: Just too tired to give a shit.

The Note

The wife left a note on the fridge:

"It's not working, I can't take it anymore! Gone to my Mother's."

I opened the fridge, the light came on and the beer was cold.

I have no idea what in the hell she was talking about............

the fridge works fine.

WOMEN, who can understand them?

A Trip to Wal-Mart (from Mike Spier)

A few days ago a friend of mine sent me a 'Viet Nam Veteran' cap. I never had one of these before and I was pretty hyped about it, especially because my friend was considerate enough to take the time to give it to me.

Yesterday, I wore it when I went to Wal-Mart. There was nothing in particular that I needed at the world's largest retailer but, since I retired, trips to Wally World to look at the Walmartians is always good for some comic relief. Besides, I always feel pretty normal after seeing some of the people that frequent the establishment. But, enough of my psychological fixes.

While standing in line to check out, the guy in front of me, probably in his early thirties, asked, "Are you a Viet Nam Vet?"
"No" I replied.
"Then why are you wearing that cap?"
"Because I couldn't find my cap from the War of 1812." I thought it was a snappy retort.
"The War of 1812 huh." the Walmartian queried, "When was that?"
God forgive me but, I couldn't pass up such an opportunity, "1936."

He pondered my response for a moment and responded, "Why do they call it the War of 1812 if it was in 1936?"
"It was a Black Op. No one is supposed to know about it." This was beginning to be way too fun.
"Dude! Really!" he exclaimed. "How did you get to do something that COOOOL?"
I glanced furtively around me for effect, leaned toward the guy and in a low voice said, "I'm not sure. I was the only Caucasian on the mission."

"Dude!", he was really getting excited about what he was hearing. "That is seriously awesome! But, didn't you kind of stand out?"
"Not really. The other guys were wearing white camouflage."
The moron nodded knowingly.

"Listen man," I said in a very serious tone, "You can't tell anyone about this. It's still Top Secret and I shouldn't have said anything."
"Oh yeah." he gave me the ‘don't threaten me’ look. "Like, what's gonna happen if I do?"
With a really hard look I said, "You have a family don't you? We wouldn't want anything to happen to them would we?"
The guy gulped, left his basket where it was and fled through the door.

By this time the lady behind me was about to have a heart attack she was laughing so hard. I just grinned at her.
After checking out and going to the parking lot I saw dimwit leaning in a car window talking to a young woman. Upon catching sight of me he started pointing excitedly in my direction.
Giving him another 'deadly' serious look, I made the "I see you" gesture. He turned kind of pale, jumped in the car and sped out of the parking lot.

What a great time! Tomorrow I'm going back with a Homeland Security cap. Whoever said retirement is boring just needs the right kind of cap...

Marriage (Jeffrey Parker)

A husband took his wife to a disco on the weekend.There was a guy on the dance floor making all the moves…breakdancing, moonwalking, back flips, the works.

The wife turns to her husband and says, "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."

The husband replies, "Looks like he's still fucking celebrating!”

Priests and Soap (Michael Genender)

Two priests are off to the showers late one night.
They undress and step into the showers before they realize there is no soap.
Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress. He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, while he is halfway down the hall when He sees three nuns heading his way.
Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a statue.
The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks.
The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood. Startled, he drops a bar of soap.
"Oh look" says the first nun, "it's a soap dispenser".
To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood.
Sure enough, he drops the second bar of soap.
Now the third nun decides to have a go.
She pulls once, then twice and three times but nothing happens.
So she gives several more tugs, then yells... "Holy Mary, Mother of God, HAND LOTION TOO!

Aunty Acid

Perfect execution, if you've raised a son, you'll get this: The table cloth trick

I need a drink now (from ... my wife!)

The Pub Last Saturday (Lorin Kane)

I was in a pub on Saturday night... had a few.... I noticed two large women by the bar.

They both had strong accents so I asked, "Hey, are you two ladies from Scotland ?"

One of them chirped: "It's WALES you idiot!"

So, I immediately apologized and said..., "Sorry, are you two whales from Scotland ?"

That's the last thing I remember...

True Love (Lorin Kane)

An old guy goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution. When he gets there, he discovers the urologist is a very pretty female doctor.

The female doctor says, "I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say, '99'.

The old guy obeys and says,"99".

The doctor says, "Great". Now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say, '99'."

Again, the old guy says, '99'."

The doctor said, Very good. Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly. I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way. Now take a deep breath and say, '99'.

The old guy begins, "One ...... Two ... Three" .....

Remember - You don't stop laughing because you grow old; you grow old because you stop laughing!!!

No one believes seniors . . . everyone thinks they are senile.
An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk theyd shared, where Andy had carved I love you, Sally.

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money - fifty thousand dollars!

Andy said, We've got to give it back.

Sally said, Finders keepers. She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.

The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door. Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?

Sally said, No.

Andy said, She's lying. She hid it up in the attic.

Sally said, Don't believe him, hes getting senile

The agents turned to Andy and began to question him.

One said: Tell us the story from the beginning.

Andy said, Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday ....

The first police officer turned to his partner and said,

Were outta here!

School in Australia: Actual school answering machine message.

A cop stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.

'Fred,' he replies..

'Fred what?' the officer asks.

'Just Fred,' the man responds.

The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.

The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'

The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred Johnson.

I studied hard and got good grades.

When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school.

Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS.

Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.

Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS.

Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD.

Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.'

The officer walked away in tears, laughing.

The glorious 50

A woman who just turned 50 is at home, naked, happily jumping on her bed and laughing with delight.

Her husband watches for a few minutes and asks, "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you ?"

The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says "I don't care what you think. I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says that, not only am I healthy, but I have the breasts of an 18 yr. old."

The husband asks, "What did he say about the 50 year old ass ?"

She replies: "Your name never came up !"

Things that make you go "Huh?"

Several days ago as I left a meeting at a hotel; I desperately gave myself a personal TSA pat down.

I was looking for my keys. They were not in my pockets. A quick search
in the meeting room revealed nothing.

Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I
headed for the parking lot.
My husband has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition.

My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them.
His theory is that the car will be stolen. As I burst through the door, I
came to a terrifying conclusion.

His theory was right. The parking lot was empty.
I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that
I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.

Then I made the most difficult call of all, "Honey," I stammered; I always
call him "honey" in times like these.
"I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen.

There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but
then I heard his voice.
"Really?", he barked, "I dropped you off!"

Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and
get me."

He retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this policeman I have not
stolen your car."

Yep it's the golden years.

Shooting stars - explained (from Jeffrey Parker)

Dilbert-isms from the real world (and Mike Spiers)

A magazine recently ran a 'Dilbert Quotes' contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real-life Dilbert-type managers. These were voted the top ten quotes in corporate America :

'As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday, and employees will receive their cards in two weeks.'
(This was the winning quote from Fred Dales, Microsoft Corp in Redmond WA )

'What I need is an exact list of specific unknown problems we might encounter.' (Lykes Lines Shipping)

'E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business.' (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)

'This project is so important we can't let things that are more important interfere with it.' (Advertising/ Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)

'Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule.'

(Plant Manager, Delco Corporation)

'No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them.' (R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/ 3M Corp)

Quote from the Boss: 'Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say.' (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)

My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said,'That would be better for me.'
(Shipping executive, FTD Florists)

'We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees.' (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)

An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."

No one moved.

The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."

Again, all was quiet.

Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."

The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.

Famous Last Words (Lorin Kane)

"The bomb will never go off. I speak as an expert in explosives."
- - Admiral William Leahy , US Atomic Bomb Project

"There is no likelihood man can ever tap the power of the atom."
-- Robert Millikan, Nobel Prize in Physics, 1923

"Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons."
-- Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949

"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers."
-- Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943

"I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won't last out the year."
--The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957

"But what is it good for?"
-- Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip.

"640K ought to be enough for anybody."
-- Bill Gates, 1981

This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us,"
-- Western Union internal memo, 1876.

"The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?"
-- David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920s.

"The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C,' the idea must be feasible,"
-- A Yale University management professor in response to Fred Smith's paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service. (Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.)

"I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on his face and not Gary Cooper,"
--Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in "Gone With The Wind."

"A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market research reports say America likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like you make,"
-- Response to Debbi Fields' idea of starting Mrs. Fields' Cookies.

"We don't like their sound and guitar music is on the way out,"
-- Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962.

"Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible,"
-- Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.

"If I had thought about it, I wouldn't have done the experiment.
The literature was full of examples that said you can't do this,"
- - Spencer Silver on the work that led to the unique adhesives for 3-M "Post-It" Notepads.

"Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil? You're crazy,"
-- Drillers who Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his project to drill for oil in 1859.

"Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau."
-- Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University , 1929.

"Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value,"
-- Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre , France .

"Everything that can be invented has been invented,"
-- Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, US Office of Patents, 1899.

"The super computer is technologically impossible. It would take all of the water that flows over Niagara Falls to cool the heat generated by the number of vacuum tubes required."
-- Professor of Electrical Engineering, New York University

"I don't know what use any one could find for a machine that would make copies of documents. It certainly couldn't be a feasible business by itself."
-- the head of IBM, refusing to back the idea, forcing the inventor to found Xerox.

"Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction."
-- Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse , 1872

"The abdomen, the chest, and the brain will forever be shut from the intrusion of the wise and humane surgeon,"
-- Sir John Eric Ericksen, British surgeon, appointed Surgeon-Extraordinary to Queen Victoria 1873.

And last but not least...

"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home."
-- Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977

Donation

Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'

'It is!'

'This is the Internal Revenue Service . Can you help us?'

'I can!'

'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'

'I do!'

'Is he a member of your congregation?'

'He is!'

'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'

'He will'

Brothel Trip

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.

'I'm 90 years old,' he says.

'90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'

'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'

Senility

An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile.. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.'

'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'

Stress Reliever

Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'

Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'

Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'

Salesman of the year

Press the Red Button

No matter what your job, you can always try and make it interesting ....

S O M E T I M E S

Sometimes ... when you cry...
no one sees your tears.

Sometimes ... when you are in pain...
no one sees your hurt.

Sometimes ... when you are worried...
no one sees your stress.

Sometimes ... when you are happy...
no one sees your smile.

But FART! just ONE friggin' time....
And everybody notices!!

And You thought this was going to be one of those

heart-touching stories!

Guide Dog of the year ...

NO Speak English

A Russian woman married a Canadian gentleman and they lived happily ever after in Toronto . The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.

One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, so, in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message and gave her the chicken legs.

Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again and gave her some chicken breasts.

On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...
(Please scroll down.)

What were you thinking?

Her husband speaks English...hellooo!

Now get back to work !

I worry about you Sometimes!

Why it's important to put spaces in the right places between words…

Nothing more dangerous than an electrician with a Sharpie.

"A friend of mine has a trophy wife.....but apparently it wasn't first place" - stephen wright

A couple from the Kane collection:

After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.

He looked at her for a while ... then said, "You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."

She asks ... "What does that mean?"

He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, and Hot.

She smiled happily and said ... "Oh, that's so lovely ... What about I, J, K?"

He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"

The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctor is fairly optimistic about saving his testicles.

-----

TWO IRISH WOMEN IN A BAR

Two women were sitting next to each other at a bar.

After a while, one looks at the other and says, ''I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland .''

The other woman responds proudly, ''Yes, I sure am!''

The first one says, ''So am I! And where about in Ireland are ya from?''

The other woman answers, ''I'm from Dublin , I am.''

The first one responds, ''So, am I!! And what street did you live on in Dublin?''

The other woman says, ''A lovely little area. It was in the west end. I lived on Warbury Street in the old central part of town.''

The first one says, ''Faith, and it's a small world. So did I! So did I! And what school did ya go to?''

The other woman answers, ''Well now, I went to Holy Heart of Mary, of course.''

The first one gets really excited and says, ''And so did I! Tell me, what year did you graduate?''

The other woman answers, ''Well, now, let's see. I graduated in 1964.''

The first woman exclaims, ''The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same pub tonight! Can you believe it? I graduated from Holy Heart of Mary in 1964 me self !''

About this time, Michael walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer. Brian, the bartender, walks over to Michael shaking his head and mutters, ''It's going to be a long night tonight.'' Michael asks, ''Why do you say that, Brian?'' Brian answers, ''The Murphy twins are drunk again.''

Only the Irish (from Mike Spiers)

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train.

His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.

"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.

"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.

"That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."

"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."

" Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"

That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."

-----------------------------------------------

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.

A cop pulls him over.

"So," says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?"

"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.

"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."

"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

-----------------------------------------------

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.

"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya".

"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"

"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda." There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."

"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."

"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry.

Finally, she looked up at Tim.

"How did it happen, Tim?"

"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."

"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me truth, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"

"Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee."

-----------------------------------------------

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.

He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"

She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"

She says, "That he did, Father."

The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"

She says, He said, 'Please Mary, put down that fuckin gun...'

-----------------------------------------------

AND LAST

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.

The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there.

Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.

The drunk mumbles, "Ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either!"

When it's not your turn to die ...

An iPad for your Parents . . .

This video is in German: The daughter asks her father if he's getting used to his new iPad that they bought for him. His response is, "Oh, just fine thanks." The title of the video is, "Never buy an iPad as a gift to your parents."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=v0FVm_H_D18

Adult One-Liners

* If you don't believe in oral sex, keep your mouth shut.

* Opinion is like an ass hole, everyone has one.

* A mistress lies between a mister and a mattress.

* Chess players mate better.

* Excuses are like asses: everyone has 'em and they all stink.

* Sex is the price women have to pay for marriage.

* Marriage is the price men have to pay for sex.

* Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings."

* If you think sex is a pain in the ass, you're doing it wrong.

* The difference between a husband and a lover is the difference between day and night.

* Prostitution is a hole sale business.

* A tight dress is like a barbed fence. It protects the premises without restricting the view.

* What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.

* Sex is like snow, you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last.

* Good sex can correct poor posture, or at least make it stand up straight.

* I'm not attracted by a girl's mind.... But by what she doesn't mind.

* Guns don't kill people... Husbands, who come home early, kill people.

* Getting married is like getting into a bath tub. After you get used to it, it ain't so hot.

Absolutely priceless piece of history. Or, a wonderful piece of contemporary political spin? (from Mike Spiers)

An Aussie walks into a pub and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.

He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, ''Is your date running late?''

''No'', he replies, '‘I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it.’'

The intrigued woman says, ''A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?''

The Aussie explains, ''It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.''

The lady says, ''What's it telling you now?''

''Well, it says you're not wearing any panties.''

The woman giggles and replies, ''Well, it must be broken because I am wearing panties!''

The Aussie smiles, taps his watch and says, ''Bloody thing's an hour fast!''

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a woman who was
waiting for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt. As the bus
stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that
her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height
of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver,
she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that
this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.

Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind
her to unzip her skirt a little more. For the second time,
attempted the step, and, once again, much to her chagrin, she
could not raise her leg. With little smile to the driver, she
again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to
make the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her
picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the
step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and
screeched, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know
who you are!'

The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with
you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."

GUIDO THE ITALIAN LOVER (an object lesson in not teaching your mother to use the internet)

A virile, middle-aged Italian gentleman named Guido was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blond woman.

Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless.

After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?" She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."

Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion..

The sex finally ends and, again, Guido smiles and asks, "You finish?" Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him and softly says, "No."

Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied. Guido reaches for the woman yet again.
Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they end together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets.

Exhausted, Guido falls onto his back, gasping..

Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and asked again, "You finish?"

Barely able to speak, the beautiful blond whispers in his ear, "No, I'm Norwegian."

These are classified ads, which were actually placed in U.K. Newspapers:

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old,
Hateful little bastard.
Bites!

FREE PUPPIES
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbour's dog.

FREE PUPPIES.
Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer €100.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.

**** And the WINNER is... ****

FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, €200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.

An elderly lady was invited to an old friends home for dinner one evening.
She was impressed by the way her lady friend preceded every request to her husband with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, etc.

The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.

While the husband was in the living room, her lady friend leaned over to her hostess to say, 'I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your husband all those loving names'.

The elderly lady hung her head. ''I have to tell you the truth,'' she said, ''his name slipped my mind about 10 years ago, and I'm scared to death to ask the cranky old asshole what his name is.''

Tombstones

Sign at one of the oldest and most prestigious universities in the world:

Trouble (and some good advice - from Edyth Parker)

from the Michael Genender collection:

Kleptomania (Mike Spiers)

From the Spiers collection:

The car went overboard and fell into the sea.

Observe how, with the aid of modern technology and equipment, rescue workers rose to the challenge.

Childs dinner Prayer (Jeffrey Parker)

Be nice. Sometimes we forget the really important things in life.

Last week, I took my grandchildren to a restaurant. My six-year-old grandson asked if he could say grace.

As we bowed our heads he said, "God is good, God is great. Thank you for the food, and I would even thank you more if Nana gets us ice cream for dessert. And liberty and justice for all! Amen!"

Along with the laughter from the other customers nearby, I heard a woman remark, "That's what's wrong with this country. Kids today don't even know how to pray. Asking God for ice cream! Why, I never!"

Hearing this, my grandson burst into tears and asked me, "Did I do it wrong? Is God mad at me?"

As I held him and assured him that he had done a terrific job, and God was certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman approached the table.

He winked at my grandson and said, "I happen to know that God thought that was a great prayer."

"Really?" my grandson asked.

"Cross my heart," the man replied.

Then, in a theatrical whisper, he added (indicating the woman whose remark had started this whole thing), "Too bad she never asks God for ice cream. A little ice cream is good for the soul sometimes.

Naturally, I bought my grandchildren ice cream at the end of the meal. My grandson stared at his for a moment, and then did something I will remember the rest of my life.

He picked up his sundae and, without a word, walked over and placed it in front of the woman. With a big smile he told her, "Here, this is for you. Shove it up your ass, you grouchy old bitch!"

A surgeon went to check his patient after an operation.

She was awake, so he examined her.

"You'll be fine," he said.

She asked, "How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?"

The surgeon seemed to pause.... which alarmed the girl.

"What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"

He replied, "Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after merely having their tonsils out"

STUDENT WHO OBTAINED 0% ON AN EXAM (Jeffreuy Parker)

I would have given him 100%

Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die?
* his last battle

Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
* at the bottom of the page

Q3. River Ravi flows in which state?
* liquid

Q4. What is the main reason for divorce?
* marriage

Q5. What is the main reason for failure?
* exams

Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast?
* Lunch & dinner

Q7. What looks like half an apple?
* The other half

Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?
* It will simply become wet

Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping ?
* No problem, he sleeps at night.

Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
* You will never find an elephant that has only one hand..

Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have ?
* Very large hands

Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?
* No time at all, the wall is already built.

Q13. How can u drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
*Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.

"Wax Job" (Buddy Hackett -- and definitely PC17+)

Google can locate you anywhere you are ... (Stamos Fafalios)

CONDOM HISTORY (Russ Eggen)

Interesting Piece of history.

In 1272, the Arabs invented the condom using a goat's lower intestine.

In 1873, the British refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first.

Woman (Lorin Kane)

A real woman is a man's best friend.

She will never stand him up and never let him down.

She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day.

She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret.

She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires.

She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive and invincible... No wait....

Sorry.

I'm thinking of whiskey. It's whiskey that does all that shit.

Never mind.

The FERRARI (Loren Kane)

A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GTO, it is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000.

He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light. An old man on a Moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him. The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, "What kind of car ya got there, sonny?"

The doctor replies, "A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!"

"That's a lot of money," says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?"

"Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour," states the doctor proudly.

The Moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?"

"No problem," replies the doctor.

So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, "! That's a pretty nice car, all right ... but I'll stick with my Moped!"

Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the speedometer reads 160 mph.

Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer!

He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly.

WHOOOOOOSSSSSHHH!

Something whips by him going much faster! "What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?" the doctor asks himself. He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the Moped!

Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the moped at 275 mph.

WHOOOOOOOSHHHHH!

He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN!

Astounded by the speed of his old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph. Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped bearing down on him again! The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do!

Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end. The doctor stops and jumps out and unbelievably the old man is still alive. He runs up to the mangled old man and says, "Oh My Gosh! Is there anything I can do for you?"

The old man whispers, "Unhook my suspenders from your side view mirror."

Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, "Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk ," worth 70 points or none at all. One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages. He wrote:

    1.) It is perfect formula for the child.

    2.) It provides immunity against several diseases.

    3.) It is always the right temperature.

    4.) It is inexpensive.

    5.) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.

    6.) It is always available as needed.

And then, the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell indicating the end of the test rang, he wrote...

    7) It comes in 2 attractive containers.

He got an A.

Life in six steps (from Leroy Shultz's dad)

-Teacher; what kind of wife do you like Johnny?
- Johnny; I want a wife like the moon..:
- Teacher; wow what a choice!, do you want her to be beautiful and calm like moon?
- Johnny; no, I want her to come at night and disappear in the morning.

Teacher asks the kids what they want to be when they grow up; and the kids propose things like painter, astronaut, president, banker, carpenter… etc.

Finally, Little Johnny: When I grow up I want to be hairy, very hairy, all over.

Teach: Little Johnny, we’re talking about how you plan to earn a living when grown.

LJ: Sure, teach. That’s what I’m talking about, too. I want to be very hairy.

Teach: How so? Explain!

LJ: My elder sister Marilyn who just turned 12 has started growing hair on her body, and you wouldn’t believe how much money she’s been earning with it.

Another from the Mike Spiers collection:

Have you ever wondered what the difference is between grandmothers and grandfathers? (from Michael Genender)

Well, here it is:

There was this loving grandfather who always made a special effort to spend time with his daughter's family on weekends. Every Saturday morning he would take his 7-year-old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some quality time--just him and his granddaughter.

One particular Saturday, however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like being up at all. He knew his granddaughter always looked forward to their drives and would be disappointed. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter for the drive.

When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather, who was still in bed.

"Well, did you enjoy your ride with Grandma?" he asked.

"Oh, yes, Pap Pap, it was really wonderful. We didn't see a single asshole, piece of crap, horse's ass, blind bastard, dipshit, Muslim goat humper, or son of a bitch anywhere we went!"

Almost brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?

Bob - A heart-warming story of the exertions of love; make sure you watch it all, until after the credits .... (from Mike Spiers)

Taco Bell has the same effect on me (best chainsaw imitation--you may want to be alone when opening this)

This is a hot new product.....good stuff! Just in Time for the holidays!

The Jog Strap

Great card trick

When you've got a dog and the poor thing is not feeling well then leave him alone. Don't always think you can make him feel better by scratching his ears, patting him or rubbing his tummy.

Check out the attached video and tell me you don't feel sorry for the puppy.

When your dog is ill, leave him alone

Customers ... (From Drew Bourrut)

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?

"Feels great", he replied; "but I still think my thumb's broken"

A Primer: Understanding Derivatives (from Mike Spiers)

Heidi is the proprietor of a bar in Detroit. She realizes that virtually all of her customers are unemployed alcoholics and, as such, can no longer afford to patronize her bar. To solve this problem, she comes up with a new marketing plan that allows her customers to drink now, but pay later.

Heidi keeps track of the drinks consumed on a ledger (thereby granting the customers loans).

Word gets around about Heidi's "drink now, pay later" marketing strategy and, as a result, increasing numbers of customers flood into Heidi's bar. Soon she has the largest sales volume for any bar in Detroit .

By providing her customers freedom from immediate payment demands, Heidi gets no resistance when, at regular intervals, she substantially increases her prices for wine and beer, the most consumed beverages.

Consequently, Heidi's gross sales volume increases massively.

A young and dynamic vice-president at the local bank recognizes that these customer debts constitute valuable future assets and increases Heidi's borrowing limit. He sees no reason for any undue concern because he has the debts of the unemployed alcoholics as collateral!

At the bank's corporate headquarters, expert traders figure a way to make huge commissions, and transform these customer loans into DRINKBONDS. These "securities" then are bundled and traded on international securities markets.

Naive investors don't really understand that the securities being sold to them as "AAA Secured Bonds" really are debts of unemployed alcoholics. The bond prices continuously climb - and the securities soon become the hottest-selling items for some of the nation's leading brokerage houses.

One day, even though the bond prices still are climbing, a risk manager at the original local bank decides that the time has come to demand payment on the debts incurred by the drinkers at Heidi's bar. He so informs Heidi. Heidi then demands payment from her alcoholic patrons. But, being unemployed alcoholics they cannot pay back their drinking debts.

Since Heidi cannot fulfill her loan obligations she is forced into bankruptcy. The bar closes and Heidi's 11 employees lose their jobs.

Overnight, DRINKBOND prices drop by 90%.

The collapsed bond asset value destroys the bank's liquidity and prevents it from issuing new loans, thus freezing credit and economic activity in the community.

The suppliers of Heidi's bar had granted her generous payment extensions and had invested their firms' pension funds in the BOND securities. They find they are now faced with having to write off her bad debt and with losing over 90% of the presumed value of the bonds. Her wine supplier also claims bankruptcy, closing the doors on a family business that had endured for three generations, her beer supplier is taken over by a competitor, who immediately closes the local plant and lays off 150 workers.

Fortunately though, the bank, the brokerage houses and their respective executives are saved and bailed out by a multibillion dollar no-strings attached cash infusion from the government. The funds required for this bailout are obtained by new taxes levied on employed, middle-class, nondrinkers who have never been in Heidi's bar.

Now do you understand?

What is a calorie?
Calories are the little bastards that get into your wardrobe at
night and sew your clothes tighter...
MY CLOSET IS INFESTED WITH THE LITTLE SHITS

Halloween Warning

Scottish Ballad

The best way to get a woman to exercise? (Definitely not PC)

Irish Logic (from Mike Spier)

A tourist in a bar in Florida asks an Irishman sitting at the bar
"Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"

To which the Irishman replies:
"If they fell forwards they'd still be in the fuckin' boat."

A strong young man at a construction site was bragging that
he could out-do anyone in a feat of strength

He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen.

After several minutes, the older worker had enough.
'Why don't you put your money where your mouth is,' he said.
'I'll bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow
over to that building that you won't be able to wheel back.'

'You're on, old man,' the braggart replied. 'Let's see you do it.'

The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles.
Then, nodding to the young man, he said,
"All right, Dumb Ass, get in.'

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love .... I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry ... How soon can I go home?'

QUOTE OF THE YEAR:

"and then God created the orgasm,

so that women can moan even when they are happy."

Please excuse the four letter words in the following story

I would have deleted them, but it would lose its impact without them....

A young couple got married and went on their honeymoon.

When they got back, the bride immediately called up her mother.

"Well," said her mother, "so how was the honeymoon?"

"Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..."

Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language -- things I'd never heard before! I mean all these awful four-letter words! You've got to take me home..., "PLEASE MAMA!"

"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! You need to stay with your husband and work this out. Now, tell me, what could be so awful? WHAT four-letter words?"

"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed, they're just too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE!!"*

"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible four-letter words!"

Sobbing, the bride said,

"Oh, Mama..., he used words like: dust, wash, iron, and cook...

I'll pick you up in twenty minutes," said the mother.

Holy Prostitutes

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye....It reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES

He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought....

Soon he sees another sign which reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES

Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you my son?"

He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business...."

"Very well my son. Please follow me." He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please knock on this door."

He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door... This nun instructs, "Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway."

He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him.

The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:

GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER...!

What animals think

Larry Is In The Hospital ...

Who in the hell is Larry?

Well Larry is the guy who gets home late one night and Linda, his wife,
says "Where the hell have you been?"

Larry replies, "I was out getting a tattoo!"

"A tattoo?", she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"

"I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates." he said proudly.

"What the hell were you thinking?", she said, shaking her head in disgust.
"Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his
privates?"

"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to
play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand. And, lastly,
instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow
a hundred bucks anytime you want."

Larry is in Memorial Hospital, Critical Care Unit, Room 233

British Humour (a Limey Rodney Dangerfield?)

I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by
turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning.
-----------------------------------------------------------
The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did...
she's 21 and her name's Lucy.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting "pedophile!"
and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50. It
completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Following the tragic death of the Human Cannonball at the Kent Show, a
spokesman said "We'll struggle to get another man of the same calibre."
-----------------------------------------------------------
My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class
give him a hand-job. I said "Son, that's 3 schools this year! You'd
better stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."
-----------------------------------------------------------
Question - Are there too many immigrants in Britain ?
17% said yes; 11% said No; 72% said "I am not understanding the question please."
-----------------------------------------------------------
The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex
with me because she can't afford batteries.
-----------------------------------------------------------

An Erection Lasting More than Four Hours (from my mother!)

What happens when you ask for help with an erection lasting more than 4 hours?

Earl walked into a drug store in Kentucky and asked to talk to a male pharmacist.

The woman he was talking to said that she was the only pharmacist and as she and her sister owned the store, there were no male employees.

She then asked if she could help him. Earl said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist. The lady pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with a high level of professionalism.

Earl then agreed and began by saying, 'This is tough for me to discuss, but I get erections every day that last more than four hours. It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could give me for it.'

The pharmacist said, 'Just a minute, I'll talk to my sister.' When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and this is the absolute best we can do. 1/3 ownership in the store, a company pickup truck, a king size bed and $3,000 a month in living expenses.

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to ...'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat !.

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs.. Smith.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with..'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

'Yes, I'm afraid so.. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement..

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'

'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'

Mrs. Smith fainted.

(from Mike Spear)
Number 10
Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 9
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 8
Men have two emotions : Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich .

Number 7
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.

Number 6
Some people are like a Slinky-not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.

Number 5
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospitals, dying of nothing.

Number 4
All of us could take a lesson from the weather.

It pays no attention to criticism.

Number 3
Why does a slight tax increase cost you $800.00, and a substantial tax cut saves you $30.00?

Number 2
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

And The Number 1 Thought
Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers--what you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow.

- - - and as someone recently said to me:
"Don't worry about old age--it doesn't last that long."

3 Kings?

Teacher : Can you tell me the name of 3 great kings who have brought happiness & peace into people's lives?

Little Johnny : Smoking , Drinking & fucking...

THE GAY FLIGHT ATTENDANT (from Edyth Parker)

My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super...."

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle.

"Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."

She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one."

To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, Bitch."

Only Buddy Hackett could get away with this one (rated R)

THEY FINALLY PUBLISHED "MY" VERSIONS OF THE GREAT DOCTOR SEUSS
Dr. Seuss For Older Kids (from Lorin Kane)

The very first "senior moment" on record.

And that, my friend, is what happened to the dinosaurs!

Dicken's Cider (PG-17)

Advice to an old guy... an absolute heart-breaker (from Mike Spier).

cid:4A132A3E542E4284876DE0F2F5F4FC11@ArtiePC

An old guy was working out in the gym when he spotted a sweet young thing...

cid:F9FBDFC901114E43A61F9ABBF4133AD0@ArtiePC

He asked the trainer that was near-by: "What machine in here should I use to impress that sweet thing over there?"

The trainer looked him up and down and said: "I would try the ATM in the lobby."

You think English is easy?(from Edyth Parker)

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce.

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4) We must polish the Polish furniture.

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear..

19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France . Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

PS. - Why doesn't 'Buick' rhyme with 'quick' ?

You lovers of the English language might enjoy this ..

There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is 'UP.'

It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP ?

At a meeting, why does a topic come UP?

Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report?
We call UP our friends.

And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver; we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen.

We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car.

At other times the little word has real special meaning.

People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.

To be dressed is one thing, but to be dressed UP is special.

A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.

We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.

We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP!

To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the word UP in the dictionary.

In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions.

If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used.

It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.

When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP.

When the sun comes out we say it is clearingUP.
When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP.
When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP.

One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP,

for now my time is UP,

so........it is time to shut UP!

Now it's UP to you what you do with this email.

TWENTY DOLLARS (from my mother!)

On their wedding night, the young bride
Approached her new husband and asked

For $20.00 for their first lovemaking
Encounter. In his highly aroused state,
Her husband readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made
Love, for more than 40 years, with him thinking that it was a
Cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that
She needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was
Surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.
During the next few minutes, he explained that
His employer was going through a process of corporate
Downsizing, and he had been let go.

It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find
Another position that paid anywhere near what
He'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which
Showed more than forty years of steady deposits and interest totaling
Nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued
By the Bank which were worth over $2 million,
And informed him that they
Were one of the largest depositors in the bank.

She explained that for more than
Three decades she had 'charged' him for sex,
These holdings had multiplied and these were the
Results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments
Worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could
Barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out,
'If I'd had any idea what you were doing,
I would have given you all my business!'

That's when she shot him.

You know, sometimes, men just don't know when
To keep their mouths shut

Women are like phones: They like to be held, talked to,

and touched often.
But push the wrong button and your ass is disconnected!

Alzheimer's Test for Modern Seniors (from Edyth Parker)

How fast can you guess these words:

1. F_ _K
2. PU_S_
3. S_X
4. P_N_S
5. BOO_S
6. _ _NDOM

Answers:

1. FORK
2. PULSE
3. SIX
4. PANTS
5. BOOKS
6. RANDOM

You got all 6 wrong....didn't you?
Don't worry. you don't have Alzheimer's. You are just a pervert

A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course became confused as to where he was on the course.

Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him.

He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.

'I'm on the 7th hole,' she replied, 'and you are a hole behind me. So you must be on the 6th hole.'

He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine, the same thing happened and he approached her again with the same request.

'I'm on number 14, and you're still a hole behind, so you must be on the 13th hole.'

Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.

He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar.

He asked the bartender if he knew the lady.

The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.

He approached her and said, 'Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand that you're in the sales profession. I'm in sales also. What do you sell?'

'I'll tell you, but you're going to laugh,' she replied.

'No, I won't..'

'Well, if you must know,' she answered, 'I work for Tampax.'

With that, he laughed so hard he lost his balance and fell off the bar stool.

'See,' she said. 'I knew you'd laugh!'

'That's not what I'm laughing at,' he replied, 'I'm a salesman for Preparation H, so I'm still a hole behind you.'

Irish Logic (from Mike Spier)

There are so many TV channels, each starved of new programmes.

In a rural programme for farmers, a female TV reporter seeking the main cause of "Mad Cow disease", arranged for an interview with a farmer who may have some theories on the matter....

The interview went as follows:

The lady reporter:"I am here to collect information on the possible sources of "Mad Cow Disease". Can you offer any reason for the spread of this disease?"

The farmer stared at the reporter and replied: ...............
"Do you know that a bull mounts a cow only once a year ? "

Reporter (obviously embarrassed and perplexed): "Well, sir, that's a new piece of information…but what's the relation between what you are saying and "Mad Cow disease"?"

Farmer: "And also madam, do you know that we milk a cow twice a day ? "

Reporter: "Sir, thanks for the valuable information, but what about getting to the point ? "

Farmer: "I am getting to the point, madam! Just imagine, if I was playing with your tits twice a day.... and only screwed you once a year, wouldn't you get bloody mad ? "

This program was never broadcast.

A man was driving around the back woods of Montana, and saw a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: "Talking Dog For Sale." He knocked on the door; and the owner appeared, telling him the dog is in the backyard.

The man walked into the backyard, and saw a nice-looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asked.

"Yep," the Lab replied.

After the man recovered from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he said "So, what's your story?"

The Lab looked up and said, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping."

"I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. but the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger, so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies; and now I'm just retired."

The man was amazed. He returned to the owner, and asked what he wanted for the dog.

"Ten dollars," the owner replied.

"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shit."

Sitting at the bar, sad Rob told the bartender that he was drinking to forget the heartbreak of his broken engagement.

"Yeah," said Rob, "would you marry someone who didn't know the meaning of the word faithful, and who was flip and even vicious when the subject of fidelity came up?"

No way in hell said the bartender.

Well, said Rob, neither would my fiance.

Calling home for mommy (from Mike Spier)

-- “Hi honey, this is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?”

-- “No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.”

After a brief pause, daddy says

-- “But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.”

-- “Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, Right now.”

Brief Pause.

-- “Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.”

-- “Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.”

A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone.

-- “I did it, Daddy.”

-- “And what happened, honey?”

-- “Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser, and now she isn't moving at all!'**

-- “Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?”

-- “He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.”

*****Long Pause*****

*****Longer Pause*****

*****Even Longer Pause*****

Then Daddy says

-- “Swimming pool? ............. Is this 486-5731?”

-- “No, I think you have the wrong number...... ...”

"Your Hard Work is Something I Wish to Emulate" (watch the cartoon! - received from Ben Parker)

Here is old age at its best ... (from Jeffrey Parker)

Russ and Sam, two friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.

One day Russ didn't show up.

Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something.

But after Russ hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried.

However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know Where Russ lived, so he was unable to find Out what had happened to him.

A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Russ, but one day, Sam approached the park and --

Lo and behold!--there sat Russ!

Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so.

Then he said, 'For crying out loud Russ, What in the world happened to you?'

Russ replied, 'I have been in jail.'

'Jail!' cried Sam. 'What in the world for?'

'Well,' Russ said, 'you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?'

'Yeah,' said Sam, 'I remember her. What about her?'

'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pled 'guilty'.

...

'The judge gave me 30 days for perjury.'

THE SHOEBOX (from Edyth Parker)
A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything.

They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.

For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box.

When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000. He asked her about the contents.

'When we were to be married,' she said, ' my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll.'

The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness..
'Honey,' he said, 'that explains the dolls, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?'

'Oh,' she said, 'that's the money I made from selling the dolls.'

A Prayer...

          Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
          Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods;
                Because Lord, if I pray for Strength,
    I'll beat him to death, because I don't have time to CROCHET!!

A stock man is piling fresh avocados when a woman asks him where the broccoli is; he apologizes explaining that they’re all out and more will be in tomorrow and goes back to work.

Several moments later the same woman says “ I can’t find the broccoli”; he calmly explains again that they’re all out and more will be in tomorrow and goes back to work.

Five minutes later the same woman says “ Why can’t I find the broccoli”; the man turns to the woman and says “can you spell cat, like in catalog?” The woman replies “cat”.

The upset man asks ““can you spell dog, like in dogmatic?” The woman replies “dog”.

The man heatedly asks ““can you spell f__k, like in broccoli?” The woman screams back at him “there is no f__k in broccoli”. He screams back at her “that’s what I’ve been trying to tell you!”

"The Middle Wife" by an anonymous 2nd grade teacher

I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself,
but the best "birth" story I know is the one I saw in my own second grade
classroom a few years back.

When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions
with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually,
show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes,
pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any
boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school
and talk about it, they're welcome.

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid,
takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow
stuffed under her sweater.

She holds up a snapshot of an infant. 'This is Luke, my baby brother, and
I'm going to tell you about his birthday.'

'First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put
a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine
months through an umbrella cord.'

She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to
laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her
in amazement.

'Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, 'Oh, Oh,
Oh, Oh!' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. 'She walked around
the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' (Now this kid is doing a
hysterical duck walk and groaning.)

'My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have
a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in
bed like this.' (Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall)

'And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he
got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like
psshhheew!' (This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming
water flowing away. It was too much!)

'Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe'.
They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a
sudden, out comes my brother.. He was covered in yucky stuff that they
all said it was from Mom's play-center, (placenta) so there must be a lot
of toys inside there. When he got out, the middle wife spanked him for
crawling up in there.'

Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat
I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it's
show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another 'Middle
Wife' comes along.

This is an inspirational piece and a lovely tribute to the joys of aging …

Walk with me by the water, worth the read...

A beautiful message about growing older:

Shit, I forgot the words....

Signs of the times....

DIRECT AND RIGHT TO THE POINT...

From a Teacher -- short and to the point

In the world of hi-tech gadgetry, I've noticed that more and more people who send text messages and emails have long forgotten the art of capitalization. For those of you who fall into this category, please take note of the following statement...

"Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse."

Is everybody clear on that?

Web Side Sory

The other day my neighbor, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway jumping for joy! I didn't know why she was jumping so excitedly but I thought, 'what the heck', and I starting jumping up and down along with her.

She said, 'I have some really great news!'

I said, 'Great. Tell me why you're so happy.'

She stopped jumping and breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down and told me that she was pregnant. I knew she'd been trying for a while so I told her, 'That's great I couldn't be happier for you!'

Then she said, 'There's more.'

I asked, 'What do you mean there's more.'

She said, 'Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have TWINS!'

Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew. She said....

(You're going to love this!)

'Well, that was the easy part. I went to Sam's Club and they actually had a home pregnancy kit in a TWIN-pack. Both tests came out positive.'

The ULTIMATE in Women's Body Piercing...
Biggest turn on for guys!

Men all over the country are urging their wives
and sweethearts to get this 'chic' procedure.

The going rate now exceeds $10,000.

Many men feel it is worth it.

Planting the garden (from Michael Genender)

An old Italian man lived alone in New Jersey . He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work as the ground was hard.

His only son, Vincent, who used to help him was in prison. The old man wrote a letter and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here, my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love,
Papa

A few days later he received a reply.

Dear Pop,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.
Love,
Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love,
Vinnie

The Best Margarita Ad

The Great Ad Libber (from Mike Spier)

Many, Many, Many years ago, Rockwell International decided to get into the heavy duty automatic transmission business.

They were getting ready to tape their first introductory video. As a warm up, the stage crew began what has become a legend within the training industry.

This man should have won an academy award for his stellar performance. He is improvising all the way.

Now remember and keep in mind, this is strictly off the cuff, nothing is written down. Nothing he says is true. He had NO script! This was a rehearsal for camera, lighting and stage crew.

It's all total meaningless drivel made up as he goes along.

I am told this video is still utilized as a training aide for incoming Congressmen, car salesmen, lawyers, and current White House Administrators.

Only a Farm Kid... (from Edyth Parker)

When you're from the country, your perception is a little different ....

A Missouri farmer in his pickup, drove to a neighbor's, and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door.

"Is your Dad home?"
"No sir, he isn't; he went to town."
"Well, is your Mother here?"
"No sir, she went to town with Dad."
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"No sir, He went with Mom and Dad."
The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.
"Is there anything I can do for you? I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give dad a message."
"Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Suzie, pregnant."'
The boy thought for a moment. "You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."

The Psychiatrist and the Proctologist (from Mike Spear)

Best friends graduated from medical school at the same time and decided that, in spite of two different specialties, they would open a practice together to share office space and personnel.

Dr. Smith was the psychiatrist and Dr. Jones was the proctologist; they put up a sign reading: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors". The town council was livid and insisted they change it.

So, the docs changed it to read: "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids". This was also not acceptable, so they again changed the sign.

"Catatonics and High Colonics" - No go.

Next, they tried "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives" - thumbs down again.
Then came "Minds and Behinds" - still no good.

Another attempt resulted in "Lost Souls and Butt Holes" – unacceptable again!

So they tried "Analysis and Anal Cysts" - not a chance.

"Nuts and Butts" - no way.

"Freaks and Cheeks" - still no good.

"Loons and Moons" - forget it.

Almost at their wit's end, the docs finally came up with: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones - Odds and Ends"

Everyone loved it.

It's all about the look on the good dog's face ... (from Jeffrey Parker)

Description: cid:X.MA1.1284927742@aol.com

Hell, yeah, I'm gonna sniff it!!

For all the keen gardeners out there ... (from Jeffrey Parker)

I have never seen a Willy Pepper before ...

These are actual peppers from a garden.  They really are called "Willy Peppers."

Description: 909C7EC7750C4D33A3DFE2C5E2E27AEC@Elizabeth

By the way, the farmer says they can grow up to 18" long!

Sort of brings tears to your eyes doesn't it?

Gentleman Golfer (from Jeffrey Parker)

A golfer hits his ball into a yard next to the golf course.

As he goes to get it a man in the yard says, "Don't you see the sign? It says 'PRIVATE PROPERTY - STAY OUT!'

The golfer says, "I am sorry I did not see it. That is my ball there. May I have it?"

The man says, "It in my yard and so it is my ball now."

The golfer looks at the man and says "I understand."

He then walks back to the golf cart gets a golf ball and walks back and throws it in the yard.

The man says "What is that for ?"

The golfer replies "I'm a gentleman. Every prick should have two balls."

Amazing home remedies (from Mike Gorman)

1. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop.

2. AVOID arguments with the females about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.

3. For high blood pressure sufferers ~ simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins. Remember to use a timer.

4. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

5. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you'll be afraid to cough.

6. You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

7. If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.

He's My Brother (Jeffrey Parker)

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.

The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"
"Eight," the boy replied.
The man continued, "do you know what these are used for?"
The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either."

This man had what he thought was the best tattoo in the world...
(oh! the things my mother sends me!)

Until he went to prison.

A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results; so she decides to conduct a little test.

She stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper and, before leaving, says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?'

'About 32,' is the reply.

'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.'

The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a pharmacy on her way down the street.

She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.

The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'

Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her.

She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay....How old am I?'

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50.'

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?'

The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?'

'I promise I won't,' she says.

'I was behind you at McDonalds.'

(from Jeffrey Parker)

A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal.

Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu....

    +Tourist:                                                       $5.00

    +Broiled Missionary:                                   $10.00

   +Fried Explorer:                                          $15.00

   +Baked Democrat or Grilled Republican:      $100.00

The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, "Why such a high price for the Politicians?"

The cook replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one?  They're so full of shit, it takes all morning."

ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659 --- CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY (from Mike Spier)

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.
She immediately moved to another seat

This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again… The man seemed more amused.

When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court.

The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.
The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, 'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself. But, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident!' ... I just lost it.

'CASE DISMISSED!!' said the judge.

You will never guess what this ad is about ... (from Jeffrey Parker)

BEWARE OF THAT UNDERWEAR DUST! (from my mother!)

One evening a Husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in 'Slim Fast'. Maybe it would take a few inches off your butt!'

His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.

The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the Hell is this?' he said to himself as a ittle 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.

'April', he hollered into the bathroom, 'Why did you put Talcum Powder in my underwear?'

She replied with a snicker. 'It's not talcum powder; it's 'Miracle Grow'!

When Insults Had Class

These glorious insults are from an era before the English language boiled down to 4-letter words:

A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."

"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."

"He  had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill

Lady to Winston Churchill, If I were your wife, I would give you poison. To which Churchill responded, madam, if I were your husband, I would take it!

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." - Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." - Oscar Wilde

George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend.... if you have one." -

"Cannot  possibly attend first night, will attend second.... if there is one." - Winston Churchill, in response.

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." -  John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go..." - Oscar Wilde

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts ... for support rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.

Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.

The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, 'Dark in here.'
The man says, 'Yes, it is.'
Boy: 'I have a baseball..'
Man: 'That's nice'
Boy: 'Want to buy it?'
Man: 'No, thanks.'
Boy: 'My Dad's outside.'
Man: 'OK, how much?'
Boy: '$250'

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy: 'Dark in here.'
Man: 'Yes, it is.'
Boy: 'I have a baseball glove.'
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'How much?'
Boy: '$750'
Man: 'Sold.'

A few days later, the Dad says to the boy, 'Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch.'

The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove.'

The Dad asks, 'How much did you sell them for?'

Boy: '$1,000'

The Dad says, 'That's terrible to over-charge your friends like that... that is way more than those two things are worth. I'm taking you to church, to confession.'

They go to the church and the Dad makes the little boy sit in the confessional booth and closes the door.

The boy says 'Dark in here.' The priest says, 'Don't start that shit again; you're in my closet now.'

As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter with a vibrator.

Shocked, she asked: 'what in the world are you doing?'

The daughter replied: 'Mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'

The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.

To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said: 'dad I'm thirty-five, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'

A couple days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen
counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from the living room.

She entered that area and observed her husband sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer, and watching TV. The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.

The wife asked: 'What the f... are you doing?'

The husband replied: 'I'm watching football with my son-in-law.

Pet Peeves from the dog's perspective:

1. Blaming your farts on me ... not funny ... not funny at all.

2. Yelling at me for barking ... I AM A DOG!!

3. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway?

4. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose ... stop it.

5. Yelling at me for rubbing my bum on your carpet. Why'd you buy carpet?

6. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that firm handshake thing yet.

7. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth, you're just jealous.

8. Dog sweaters ... Hello ... have you noticed the fur?

9. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.

10. When you pick up the poop in the yard. Do you realize how far behind schedule that puts me?

11. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip," then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back.

12. The sleight of hand, fake-fetch-throw. You fooled a dog! What a proud moment for the top of the food chain.

Author, unknown

The Arrogance of Authority

Description:
cid:1.2058714744@web55206.mail.re4.yahoo.com

A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas , and talked with an old rancher.

He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."

The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there...", as he pointed out the location.

The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me !"

Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher.

"See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land !!

No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear ... do you understand ?!!"

The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull...

Description:
cid:2.2058714745@web55206.mail.re4.yahoo.com

With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.

The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs.....

"Your badge, show him your BADGE... !"

As your attorney, it is my duty to inform you that it is not important that you understand what I'm doing or why you're paying me so much money. What's important is that you continue to do so.
     -- Hunter S. Thompson's Samoan Attorney

"This is a test. It is only a test. Had it been an actual job, you would have received raises, promotions, and other signs of appreciation."
     - - Anonymous

"I think, therefore I'm single."
     - - Female philosopher

"The ability to quote is a serviceable substitute for wit."
     - - W. Somerset Maugham

"The philosophy exam was a piece of cake -- which was a bit of a surprise, actually, because I was expecting some questions on a sheet of paper."
    - - Smith & Jones

"Logic merely enables one to be wrong with authority."
     - - Doctor Who

"I am diagonally parked in a paralell universe"
     - - Anonymous

Hardware /nm./: the part of the computer that you can kick.

To be, or not to be, those are the parameters.

IBM means I Blame Microsoft.

God is REAL, unless explicitly declared INTEGER

Hardware: This is the part of the computer that stops working when you spill beer on it.

Bus Error - Please Take The Train.

For all those unfamiliar with Tenne-C, the comment delimiter is WHISPER. The computer stores all WHISPERed comments in memory, but the instruction execution unit can never quite decode them, so they are ignored. Some beta site users have reported an occasional problem with IBM clone machines. These machines may get slightly confused or mildly paranoid due to the WHISPERed remarks in the background, but the effects are usually limited to an occasional mutterance printed on the display.

"I am Pentium of Borg. Precision is Futile, Prepare to be Approximated."

"What goes up must come down. Ask any system administrator."

Real programmers don't believe in schedules.
Planners make schedules. Managers firm-up schedules.
Frightened coders strive to meet schedules. Real
programmers ignore schedules.

"Only two things are certain: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not certain about the universe."
     -- Albert Einstein

"My software never has bugs. It just develops random features."

"There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don't believe this to be a coincidence."
     -- Jeremy S. Anderson

"Einstein argued that there must be simplified explanations of nature, because God is not capricious or arbitrary. No such faith comforts the software engineer."
     -- Fred Brooks.

"... and on the 7th day, God turned off his Macintosh."

Programming /n./ A pastime similar to banging one's head against a wall, but with fewer opportunities for reward.

"A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a workstation...."

"The computer allows you to make mistakes faster than any other invention, with the possible exception of handguns and tequila."
     -- Mitch Ratcliffe.

What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter.

Customer: "I'm running Windows '95.'"
Tech Support: "Yes."
Customer: "My computer isn't working now."
Tech Support: "Yes, you said that."

Error messages can be quite strong indeed. We have one of the most arrogant compilers in the business, a source of great pride for us. Typical error messages include:

WELL, IF THAT AIN'T ABOUT THE DUMBEST DANG THANG
    I EVER SEEN!
WHADJA DO THAT FER?
ERROR TWENNY SEM, DUMB AICE!
DAMMIT, BOY, HOW MANY TIMES I GOT TO TELL YOU?!

Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.
     -- Rich Cook

Tomorrow will be cancelled due to lack of interest.

"ERROR: Computer possessed; Load EXOR.SYS ? [Y/N]"

" The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents. "
     -- Nathaniel Borenstein

Failure is not an option. It comes bundled with your Microsoft product.
     -- Ferenc Mantfeld

"A straight line may be the shortest distance between two points, but it is by no means the most interesting."
     -- Dr. Who

You're a blithering idiot who wouldn't know a clue if it appeared on your screen in a GUI interface with a button labeled 'I'm a clue - click here to acquire me.'
     -- Seth Finkelstein

The truth is out there? Anyone know the URL?

It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

"The Meta-Turing test counts a thing as intelligent if it seeks to devise and apply Turing tests to objects of its own creation."
     -- Lew Mammel, Jr.

Hit any user to continue ...

"Artificial Intelligence: the art of making computers that behave like the ones in movies."

Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)"

Two wrongs are only the beginning.

Computer Lie #1: You'll never use all that disk space.

"As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing."

Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what 'I' say." (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)

"One of the problems the internet has introduced is that in the electronic village all the village-idiots have internet access."
     --"Peter Nelson"

"We build (software) systems like the Wright brothers built airplanes -- build the whole thing, push it off the cliff, let it crash, and start all over again."
     -- R. M. Graham, 1968

Real programmers have no use for managers.
Managers are a necessary evil. They exist only
to deal with personnel bozos, bean counters,
senior planners, and other mental defectives.

I had a life once... now I have a computer and a modem.

(A)bort, (R)etry, (G)et a beer?
(A)bort, (R)etry, (I)gnore, (V)alium?
(A)bort, (R)etry, (I)nfluence with large hammer.
(A)bort, (R)etry, (P)ee in drive door
(A)bort, (R)etry, (S)elf-destruct?
(A)bort, (R)etry, (T)ake down entire network?

"Do I hit 'F' and '8' at the same time?"

Windows message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)"

The art of flying is to throw yourself at the ground and miss.
     -- Douglas Adams

Sure God created man before woman. But then you always make a rough draft before The Final Masterpiece.

My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
     -- Ashleigh Brilliant

"What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them?"
     -- Marilyn Pittman

"On the other hand, you have different fingers."

I don't have a solution but I admire the problem.

How do I set my laser printer on stun?

"Get the facts first. You can distort them later."

I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.
     -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

Always code as if the guy who ends up maintaining your code will be a violent psychopath who knows where you live.

Real programmer's programs don't work right the first time. But if you throw them on the machine they can be patched into working order in only
a few 30-hour debugging sessions.

RUNTIME ERROR 6D at 417A: 32CF: Incompetent user

Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.

"So long and thanks for all the fish"
     - - The Dolphins

"Work is the curse of the drinking classes."

Well, we're about to go in all for wrestling, brought to you tonight,
ladies and gentlemen, by the makers of Scum, the world's first ever
combined hair oil, foot ointment, and salad dressing. And the makers
of Titan, the novelty nuclear missile! You never know when it'll go
off! Surprise your friends, amuse your enemies, start the party with
a bang!

"Imagination is more important than knowledge, for knowledge is limited
while imagination embraces the entire world." -Albert Einstein

We are Microsoft. Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated.

"On the side of the software box, in the 'System Requirements' section, it said 'Requires Windows 95 or better'. So I installed Linux."

Well this is just one of the all too many cases on our books of chartered accountancy. The only way that we can fight this terrible debilitating social disease, is by informing the general public of its consequences by showing young people that it's just not worth it. So, so please ... give generously ... to this address: The League for Fighting Chartered Accountancy, 55 Lincoln House, Basil Street, London SW3.

Note that the optional extended obscenity instruction set should not be installed in clone machines. Should such a machine crash, you could be arrested for making an obscene clone fall.

You see, to be quite frank Kevin, the fabric of the universe is far from perfect. It was a bit of a botched job you see. We only had seven days to make it.
     -- 'Time Bandits'

The most wasted day is that in which we have not laughed
     - - Chamfort.

"The world is coming to an end. Please log off."
     -- Posix 2.1.1 System Shutdown Message

Computers, all they ever think about is hex!

Blessed is the end-user who expects nothing, for ye shall not be disappointed.

why do they call it tourist season if we can't shoot them...

For sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain...

Due to the current economic situation the light at the end of the
tunnel has been temporarily switched off.

Microsoft is a cross between The Borg and the Ferengi.
Unfortunately they use Borg to do their marketing and Ferengi
to do their programming.
    -- Simon Slavin

All things are possible. Except skiing through a revolving door.

Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.

"Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away".
     -- Philip K. Dick

Programmer /n./ A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate objects.

"Programmers are tools for converting caffeine into code."

"Profanity is the one language all programmers know best."

"Ooops. My brain just hit a bad sector."

"Your mouse has moved. Windows NT must be restarted for the change to take effect. Reboot now ? [OK]"

"Microsoft is trying to add some humor to it's error messages in Windows 2000. Here are a couple of examples:

Printer not responding: Got a pen and paper handy ?

Three things are certain in life: Taxes, death, and data loss.
   Guess which has just occured ?"

   A mainframe: The biggest PC peripheral available.

"Walking on water and developing software from a
   specification are easy if both are frozen."
     -- Edward V. Berard, "Life-Cycle Approaches"

By the time (the Leaning Tower of Pisa) was 10% built, everyone knew it would be a total disaster. But the investment was so big they felt compelled to go on. Since its completion, it cost a fortune to maintain and is still in danger of collapsing. There are no plans to replace it, since it was never needed in the first place. I expect every installation has its own pet
software which is analogous to the above.
     -- Ken Iverson

I don't object to Microsoft's monopoly,
I object to Microsoft's mediocrity
     -- Larry Ellison

"Obviously I was either onto something, or on something."
-- Larry Wall on the creation of Perl

Employee of the Month
We have a Winner!

This is the level of dedication we expect from all staff!
There is a reason laptop spelled backwards is potpal.

A balding, white haired man from Chebacco Lake in Florida, walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side.

He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000 the jeweler said. The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, 'by check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.'

On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said 'There's no money in that account.'

'I know,' said the old man, 'But let me tell you about MY GREAT WEEKEND!'

See........Not All Seniors Are Senile

A letter to the Men's Helpline:

Hi Bob, I really need your advice on a serious problem:

I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up; she goes out with the girls a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep.

Anyway last night about midnight I hid in the shed behind the boat. When she came home she got out of someone's car buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.

It was at that moment crouched behind the boat that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard engine mounting bracket.

Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace it?

BLESSED ARE THE CRACKED, FOR THEY LET IN THE LIGHT!

TWENTY-NINE LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE

1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
6. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
7. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
9. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.
10. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
11. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
12. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
13. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
15. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
16. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!
1 7. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
18. Procrastinate Now!
19. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
20. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
21. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
22. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
23. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
24. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
25. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
26. Ham and eggs... A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.(how true)
27. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
28. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
29. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.

Appreciate every single thing you have, especially your friends!  Life is too short and friends are too few!

Air Show Disaster:

Amazing photos show great detail.
The pilot at low level had no control over his aircraft. It narrowly misses a crowd gathered for the air show and slams into four buildings. One can only imagine the horror of the occupants inside those buildings.

Probably scared the shit out of them.

You pick up a hitchhiker, a beautiful young girl. Suddenly she faints inside
your car and you take her to hospital. Now that's stressful.

But at the hospital, they say she is pregnant & congratulate you that you
are going to be a father. You say that you are not the father, but the girl
says you are. This is getting very stressful.

So then...you request a DNA test to prove that you are not the father. After
the tests are completed, the doctor says that you are infertile, and probably
have been since birth. You are extremely stressed but relieved.

On your way back home, you think about your 3 kids.

NOW THAT'S STRESS!

Joe wants to buy a motorcycle. He doesn't have much luck until one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.

The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition.

He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.

'Well, it's quite simple, really,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain.'

And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents.

Naturally, they take the bike there.

But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family before we go in.

'When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.'

'No problem,' he says. And in they go.

Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes.

In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.

They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.

As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.

So he leans over and kisses Sandra.

No one says a word.

So he reaches over and fondles her breasts.

Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes

off, throws her on the table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents.

His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

He looks at her mom.

'She's got a great body,' he thinks.

So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, pulls down her panties, and screws her every which way right there on the dinner table.

After she has a big orgasm, he sits down again.

Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, the Mom is pleasantly beaming.

But still, Total silence.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.

Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket....

Suddenly the father shouted....

'I'll do the fucking dishes!

A man boards an airliner, takes his seat, and is surprised to find a large purple parrot in the seat next to him.

The aircraft takes off and a pretty flight attendant walks down the aisle past the man and his seat mate.

"Hey, bitch," says the parrot, "bring me a whiskey and soda, and make it snappy!"

The FA looks annoyed, but walks on.

A minute later, she walks back up the aisle and the parrot pipes up again: "Goddammit, you lazy whore, where's my whiskey? Hurry it up!"

Visibly flustered, the FA hurries up the aisle and returns quickly with the parrot's drink.

Impressed with the parrot's technique, the man decides to get some quick service for himself.

"Hey, slut," says the man, "get me a dry martini. And don't drag your sorry ass - I want it right now!"

The FA turns red with anger and runs to the front of the plane. In a moment she returns with the First Officer and two burly male flight attendants.

The crewmen seize the passenger and the parrot, jerk open the emergency door, and hurl them both out of the airplane at 10,000 feet.

As the two hurtle out the door, the parrot says to the man, "You know, for someone who can't fly, you got a lotta balls!"

HOW TO BE A GRACIOUS B....

Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen
her excitement - not even her parent's nasty divorce.

Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear, and would be the
best-dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!

A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's
new, young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother!

Jennifer asked her father's new young wife to exchange it, but she
refused. ''Absolutely not! I look like a million bucks in this dress,
and I'm wearing it,'' she replied.

Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, ''Never mind
sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day.''

A few days later, they went shopping, and did find another
gorgeous dress for her mother.

When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, ''Aren't
you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another
occasion where you could wear it."

Her mother just smiled and replied, ''Of course I do, dear.....I'm
wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night BEFORE the wedding.''

(NOW I ASK YOU - IS THERE A WOMAN OUT THERE, ANYWHERE, WHO WOULDN'T ENJOY THIS STORY?)

The Ventriloquist

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in New Brunswick .

With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid ass blonde jokes! What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general and all in the name of humor!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells,

"You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little fucker on your knee!"

-------A man and woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands.

Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the man slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned.

The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware her dining companion had disappeared.

The waitress went over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."

The woman calmly looked up at her and said, "No, he didn't. He just walked in."

Jesus is back

Beefeater tour of the Tower of London

I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at Park Lane pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, 'No, this is my first time.' So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty. 'Just a minute,' she said, and walked to the door, and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. 'Do these excite you?', she asked. Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk. 'Well, come on', she said, 'We don't have much time.' So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW, I was done within a few moments. She looked at me with a bit of a frown. 'Did you put that condom on?' she asked. I said, 'I sure did,' and held up my thumb to show her. That's when she beat the crapout of me....

A tough looking biker was riding his Harley when he sees a girl
about to Jump off a bridge so he stops.

"What are you doing?" he asks.

"I'm going to commit suicide," she says.

While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss
an opportunity and he asked, "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"

So, she does.

After she's finished the biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have
ever had! That's a real talent you are wasting! You could be famous!
Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl...."

Subject: Understanding Engineers (from Chris Kloss)

Understanding Engineers #1

Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one
said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"The second engineer replied,
"Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a
beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all
her clothes and said, "Take what you want."The first engineer nodded
approvingly and said, "Good choice:The clothes probably wouldn't have fit
you anyway."

Understanding Engineers #2

To the optimist, the glass is half-full.To the pessimist, the glass is
half-empty.To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Understanding Engineers #3

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a
particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those
guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!" The priest said, "Here comes the greens-keeper. Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello, George. What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer
for them tonight." The doctor said, " Good idea. I'm going to contact my
ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

Understanding Engineers #4

What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.

Understanding Engineers #5

The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"The graduate
with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"The graduate with an
accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"The graduate with an arts
degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

Understanding Engineers #6

Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers
believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

Understanding Engineers #7

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and
said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."He bent over,
picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and
said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay
with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled
at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss
me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do
anything you want. "Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and
put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter?
I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one
week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"The engineer said,
"Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking
frog - now that's cool!"

"I LOVE YOU" IN 10 LANGUAGES

English	I Love You
Spanish	Te Amo
French	Je T'aime
German	Ich Liebe Dich
Japanese	Ai Shite Imasu
Italian	Ti Amo
Chinese	Wo Ai Ni
Swedish	Jag Alskar Dig
Lithuanian	As Tave Meliu
Alabama , Arkansas, Oklahoma, Texas, Louisiana, South Carolina, Georgia, Tennessee, Florida, Mississippi , Kentucky, North Carolina, West Virginia, Virginia, Saskatchewan, Alberta	Nice Tits, Get in the Truck.

These are classified ads, which were actually placed in a U.K. newspaper:

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old.
Hateful little bastard.
Bites!

FREE PUPPIES.
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbour's dog.
FREE PUPPIES.
Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer £100.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE.
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.

A new blonde joke!!!

After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young blond declared, 'Well, then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of alligator shoes for free!' The shopkeeper replied with a sly smile, 'Well, little lady, why don't you go on and give it a try?' The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator. Later in the day, as
the shopkeeper was driving home, he spotted the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand.

As he brought his car to a stop, he saw a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning reflexes, the blond took aim, shot the creature and hauled it up onto the slippery bank. Nearby were 7 more dead gators all lying belly up. The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement as the blond struggled mightily and barely managed to flip the gator onto its back.

Then, rolling her eyes heavenward, she screamed in frustration...

'SHIT'! THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO!

A LADY WALKS INTO TIFFANY'S .. SHE LOOKS AROUND, SPOTS A BEAUTIFUL DIAMOND
BRACELET AND WALKS OVER TO INSPECT IT...

AS SHE BENDS OVER TO LOOK MORE CLOSELY, SHE UNEXPECTEDLY FARTS...

VERY EMBARRASSED, SHE LOOKS AROUND NERVOUSLY TO SEE IF ANYONE NOTICED
HER LITTLE WOOPS AND PRAYS THAT A SALESPERSON WAS NOT ANYWHERE
NEAR...

AS SHE TURNS AROUND, HER WORST NIGHTMARE MATERIALIZES IN THE FORM OF
A SALESMAN STANDING RIGHT BEHIND HER...

GOOD LOOKING AS WELL .. COOL AS A CUCUMBER, HE DISPLAYS ALL OF THE
QUALITIES ONE WOULD EXPECT OF A PROFESSIONAL IN A STORE LIKE
TIFFANY'S...

HE POLITELY GREETS THE LADY WITH, 'GOOD DAY, MADAM .. HOW MAY WE HELP
YOU TODAY???

BLUSHING AND UNCOMFORTABLE, BUT STILL HOPING THAT THE SALESMAN
SOMEHOW MISSED HER LITTLE 'INCIDENT', SHE ASKS, 'SIR, WHAT IS THE
PRICE OF THIS LOVELY BRACELET ??'

HE ANSWERS, "MADAM .. IF YOU FARTED JUST LOOKING AT IT - YOU'RE GOING
TO SHIT WHEN I TELL YOU THE PRICE..."

Dear God,

My prayer for 2011 is for a fat bank account & a thin body.

Please don't mix these up like you did last year!

Amen

APARTMENT for RENT (my mother sent this to me!)
THIS IS TOO FUNNY ... SOMETHING TO START THE DAY OFF!!!

A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend
the night with her for $500. They did their thing,
and, before he left, he told her that he did
not have any cash with him, but he would have his
secretary write a cheque and mail it to her, calling
the payment 'RENT FOR APARTMENT.'

On the way to the office, he regretted what he had
Done, realizing that the whole event had not been
worth the price. So he had his secretary send a cheque for
$250 and enclose the following typed note:

Dear Madam:
Enclosed find a cheque for $250 for rent of your
apartment . I am not sending the amount agreed upon,
because when I rented the place, I was under the
impression that:
#1 - it had never been occupied;
#2 - there was plenty of heat; and
#3 - it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.
However, I found out that:
#1 - it had been previously occupied,
#2 - there wasn't any heat, and
#3 - it was entirely too large.

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately
returned the cheque for $250 with the following note:

Dear Sir:
#1 - I cannot understand how you could expect a
beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely.
#2 - As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you
know how to turn it on.
#3 - Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of
regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture
to fill it, please do not blame the management.
So, Please send the rent in full or we will be forced
to contact your present landlady....

My wife asked me, "How many women have you slept with?"

I proudly replied, "Only you, Darling. With all the others, I was awake."

Hospital Visiting Hours are 10 AM to 8 PM

"Hi Jack!" (South African humor, from Simche Sherer)

A foursome of guys is waiting at the mens tee while a foursome of
women is hitting from the ladies' tee.

The ladies are taking their time.
When the final lady is ready to hit her ball, she hacks it 10 feet. Then
she goes over and whiffs it completely.

Then she hacks it another ten feet and finally hacks it another five feet.

She looks up at the patiently waiting men and says apologetically, "I guess
all those " F---ING LESSONS" I took over the winter didn't help.'"

One of the men immediately responds, "Well, there you have it. You should have
taken "golf lessons" instead!"

He never even had a chance to duck.

He was 43...

Old guys are helpful ...

An old guy was in Costco the other day, pushing his shopping trolley
around, when he collided with a young guy also pushing a trolley.
He said to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for
my wife and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."
The young guy says, "That's OK. It's just a coincidence. I'm
looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little
desperate.

The old guy said, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What
does your wife look like?"

The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 years old, tall, with
long blond hair, green eyes, long legs, big boobs and she's wearing
tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?"

The old guy says, "Doesn't matter. Let's look for yours."

Most old men are helpful like that.

Verne was teeing off from the men's tee.

On his downswing, he realized that his wife, Joy, was teeing up on the woman's tee directly in front of him.

Unable to stop his swing, he nailed it and hit her directly in the temple, killing her instantly.

A few days later, Verne got a call from the coroner regarding her autopsy.

Coroner: "Verne, your wife seemed to have died from blunt force trauma to the head. You said you hit a golf ball and hit her in the temple, is that correct?"

Verne: "Yes, sir, that's correct."

Coroner: "Well, inexplicably I found a golf ball wedged up her ass."

Verne: "Was it a Titleist 3?"

Coroner: "Yes, it was."

Verne: "That was my mulligan."

Q. What's a dyslexic agnostic insomniac?
A. Someone who lies awake all night wondering if there really is a dog.

REALLY BAD TYPO THAT SPELLCHECK CANNOT FIX!

A husband sent this to his wife:

"I'm having a wonderful time, wish you were her."

It's a Jersey Christmas ....

Sometimes when I reflect on all the beer I drink, I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. I think, "It is better to drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
Babe Ruth
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day."
Lyndon B. Johnson

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
Paul Horning

~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."
H. L.. Mencken
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"
George Bernard Shaw
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
Benjamin Franklin
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."
Dave Barry
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
BEER: HELPING UGLY PEOPLE HAVE SEX SINCE 3000 B.C.!
W. C. Fields
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Remember "I" before "E," except in Budweiser.
Professor Irwin Corey
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group - Salvation in a can!
Leo Durocher

~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One night at Cheers, Cliff Calvin explained the "Buffalo Theory" to his buddy Norm:

"Well, ya see, Norm, it's like this. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members!; In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine! That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

Barroom Braggarts

As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavishs'. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."

"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in my favourite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you gets laid, all on the house!"

The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. The Irishman swore every word was true.

"Did this actually happen to you?"

"Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times.

A man watching a hockey game on TV kept switching channels to a dirty movie featuring a couple having sex.

"I don't know whether to watch them or the game," he said to his wife.

"For heaven's sake, watch them," his wife said.

"You already know how to play Hockey!"

History of the World According to Student Bloopers

Many say there is no difference between COMPLETE & FINISHED...

But there is. When you marry the right one, you are COMPLETE...

And when you marry the wrong one, you are FINISHED...

And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are... COMPLETELY FINISHED

The Children's Bible in a Nutshell

In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, 'The Lord thy God is one, but I think He must be a lot older than that.

Anyway, God said, 'Give me a light!' and someone did.

Then God made the world.

He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet.

Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden.....Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars.

Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel.

Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.

One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.

After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.

Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable.

God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments. These include: don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's stuff.

Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.

One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.

After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to me.

After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore.

There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them.

After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of The New. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, 'Close the door! Were you born in a barn?' It would be nice to say, 'As a matter of fact, I was.')

During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees, the Democrats, and the Republicans.

Jesus also had twelve opossums.

The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.

Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount.

But the Democrats, the Republicans and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.

Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.

All She Wants To Do Is Screw

What is Celibacy? (from Jeffrey Parker)

Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.

While attending a Marriage Weekend, Frank and his wife Ann listened to the instructor declare, It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.

He then addressed the men.

Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?

Frank leaned over, touched Ann's arm gently, and whispered, Gold Medal-All-Purpose, isn't it?

And thus began Frank's life of celibacy...

Lunch with the girls (from Jeffrey Parker)

Two women were having lunch together, and discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery.

The first woman said, "I need to be honest with you, I'm getting a boob job."

The second woman responded, "Oh, that's nothing. I'm thinking of having my ass hole bleached!"

"Whoa," replied the first woman. "I just can't picture your husband as a blonde!"

THE POTTY (from Loren Kane)

A LITTLE THREE YEAR OLD BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET. HIS MOTHER THINKS HE HAS BEEN IN THERE TOO LONG, SO SHE GOES IN TO SEE WHAT'S UP. THE LITTLE BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET READING A BOOK. BUT ABOUT EVERY 15 SECONDS OR SO, HE PUTS THE BOOK DOWN, GRIPS ONTO THE TOILET SEAT WITH HIS LEFT HAND AND HITS HIMSELF ON TOP OF HIS HEAD WITH HIS RIGHT HAND.

HIS MOTHER SAYS: "BILLY, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? YOU'VE BEEN IN HERE FOR A WHILE."

BILLY SAYS: "I'M FINE, MOMMY. I JUST HAVEN'T GONE POTTY' YET."

MOTHER SAYS: "OK, YOU CAN STAY HERE A FEW MORE MINUTES. BUT, BILLY, WHY ARE YOU HITTING YOURSELF ON THE HEAD?"

BILLY SAYS: "WORKS FOR KETCHUP."

(from Mike Gorman)
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS : Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney Can I get a new attorney?
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 pm.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
_____________________________________

And the best

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law

Voodoo Penis

A Florida businessman was getting ready to go on a long business trip, so he thought he'd buy his wife something to keep her occupied. He went to a sex shop and explained his situation.

The salesman there said, "Well, I don't know that I have anything that will keep her occupied for so many weeks, except.....the Voodoo Penis!"

The husband said "The what"?

The man repeated "The Voodoo Penis" and pulled out what seemed to be an ordinary dildo.

The husband laughed, and said, "It looks like a dildo!"

The salesman then pointed to the door and said, "Voodoo Penis, door!"

The penis rose out of its box, darted over to the door and started pounding the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with vibrations, so much that a crack began to form down the middle. Then the salesman said "Voodoo Penis, return to box!" and the penis stopped and returned to the box.

The husband bought it. He took it home to his wife, And after the husband had been gone a few days, the wife remembered the Voodoo Penis.

She undressed, opened the box and said "Voodoo Penis, my crotch." The penis shot to her crotch. It was absolutely incredible. After three mind shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough. She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck. Her husband had neglected to tell her how to turn it off. So she put her clothes on, got in her car and started for the hospital.

On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road. A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.

Gasping and twitching, the woman said "I haven't! had any thing to drink officer. You see, I've got this Voodoo Penis thing stuck in my c-c-c-crotch and it won't stop screwing me..."

The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and replied, "Yeah right. Voodoo Penis, my ass...!"

The rest, as they say, is history....

HOW TO START A FIGHT (received from Edyth Parker)

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery
plot as a Christmas gift... The next year, I didn't buy her
a gift. When she asked me why, I replied,"Well, you still
haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started ....

________________________________

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire
while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want
to have Sex?' 'No,' she answered. I then said, 'Is that your
final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes.'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started....
________________________________


I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took
my order first. "I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started ....
________________________________


My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion,
and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he
sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend.... I understand he took
to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear
he hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that
long?"
And then the fight started...
________________________________


When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me
that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to
take care of first, the shed, the boat, pouring a drink. It was always
something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to
make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the
tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I
watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.

I was gone only a minute,and when I came out again I handed her a

toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well

sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
_______________________________

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked,
"What's on TV?" I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started...

________________________________


Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and
slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked the boat up to the van, and
proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing
50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and then
I discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the
house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.. I cuddled up to my
wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The
weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid
husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...
________________________________


My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3
seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started......
_______________________________

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not
happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and
ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' I replied, "Your eyesight's

nearly perfect."

And then the fight started........

I just had a call from a Charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people throughout the world.

I told them to kiss my ass!! Anybody who fits into my clothes isn't starving!!

An elderly man is stopped by the police around

1 a. m.

and is asked where he is going at

this time of night.

The man replies,

“I am going to a lecture about alcohol

abuse and the effects it has on the human body”.

The officer then asks,

“Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?”

The man replies,

“My wife.”

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid. So, she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.

While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.

Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a

heavy parka and a leather jacket at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she if OK. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing and she replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb, and she wanted to do it by painting the house.

He then asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket. She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it said....

You'll love this...

Yep. I know you will...

Yep!...............

"FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS."

Animal planet (received from Stan Parker): I'm not jumping in!

What goes around comes around

(from Jeffrey Parker)

Inner Peace

If you can start the day without caffeine,

If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,

If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,

If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,

If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,

If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,

If you can conquer tension without medical help,

If you can relax without liquor,

If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,

....Then You Are Probably The Family Dog!

And you thought I was going to get all spiritual

My new doctor ...

I went to my doctor's office the other day,only to find out my old doctor had retired,& his replacement was a new,young,female,drop-dead gorgeous blue-eyed blonde !!!!...

I guess she could tell, I was a little nervous,& perhaps appeared slightly embarrassed,so she said:"Don't worry, I'm a professional....I've seen it all before....

Just tell me what's wrong and I'll verify your concerns and see if I can help you in any way I can."

So I said: "I think my penis tastes funny..."

The "Middle Wife" by an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher

I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second grade classroom a few years back.

When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them.. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.

She holds up a snapshot of an infant. "This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday."

"First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord."

She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me.

The kids are watching her in amazement.

"Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!' " Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. "She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!'" (Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.)

"My Dad called the middle wife... She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man.

"They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this." (Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.)

"And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!" (This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away. It was too much!)

"Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe.' They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom's play-center, (placenta) so there must be a lot of toys inside there.

"When he got out, the middle wife spanked him for crawling up in there."

Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat.

I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another "Middle Wife comes along.

Summary of Life

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats..
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food..
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair..
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10)The best place to be when you're sad is Grandma's lap.

GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground...
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy..

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional...
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions...
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.

When top level guys look down, they see only shitheads;
When bottom level guys look up, they see only assholes...

Next time you use a pair of rubber gloves, you're going to smile when you think of this:

A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was nervous, so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves.

'Do you know how they make these gloves?' he asked...

'No, I don't,' she replied.

'Well,' he spoofed, 'there's a building in Canada with a big tank of latex, and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size.'

She didn't crack a smile.

'Oh, well. I tried,' he thought.

But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure, she burst out laughing.

'What's so funny?' he asked.

'I was just envisioning how condoms are made!'

(Gotta watch those little old ladies! Their minds are always working!)

from Mike Spier:

In print: You cannot make this stuff up ...

Family Feud: This lady’s knee-jerk answer to a harmless question in the lightning round is quite possibly the greatest moment in "Family Feud" history.

courtesy of Lorin Kane, The Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
"That's nice," she thinks, "but I want more."

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

(Scroll and keep reading!)

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

Doormats ... with attitude

More from the collection of Jeffrey Parker:

LESSON FOR TODAY

Sometimes, we try too hard to get to the greener grass.

In the process, we end up in trouble.

And when you find yourself in trouble and you're stuck in a
situation that you can't get out of, there is one thing you should
always remember:

Not everyone who shows up...Is there to help you!!!!

That is the end of today’s lesson!

There I was is sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large,
trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it
down in one swig.

"Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst
into tears.

"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can`t
stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I
was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the
parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any
insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my old
lady in bed with the gardener and then my dog bit me."

"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it
all, I buy a drink, I drop a poison capsule in and sit here watching
the poison dissolve; then you, you jack-ass, show up and drink the
whole thing! But enough about me, how's your day going?"

THE SENILITY PRAYER:

Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway;
The good fortune to run into the ones I do;
And the eyesight to tell the difference.

"FATHER OF THE YEAR" (from Jeffrey Parker)

A man boarded a plane with six kids.

After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, "Are all of those kids yours ? "

He replied, "No Ma'am, I work for a condom company; These are customer complaints."

Can We get Married in Heaven?

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple was involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.

While waiting they began to wonder; Could they possibly get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter arrived they asked him if they could get married in Heaven. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he left.

The couple sat and waited for an answer.... For a couple of months.

While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all? "What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?"

Another month passed. St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven."

"Great!" said the couple. "But we were just wondering; what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.

"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.

"OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouted. "It took me 3 months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer?"

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again invited readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. (from Kathy Parker)

Here are the winners:

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2. Ignoranus : A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

3. Intaxicaton : Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation : Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy : Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

7. Giraffiti : Vandalism spray-painted very, very high

8. Sarchasm : The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

9. Inoculatte : To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Osteopornosis : A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon : It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido : All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which
readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.

And the winners are:

1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.

6. Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.

7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men

And, from Loren Kane:

1) How long did the Hundred Years' War last?

2) Which country makes Panama hats?

3) From which animal do we get cat gut?

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?

5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?

7) What was King George VI's first name?

8) What color is a purple finch?

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?

10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?

Remember, you need only 3 correct answers to P ass.

Check your answers below.

WORLD'S EASIEST QUIZ!
(Passing requires only 3 correct answers out of 10!)

Only total thicko's will fail !!

ANSWERS

1) How long did the Hundred Years War last ? 116 years

2) Which country makes Panama hats? Ecuador

3) From which animal do we get cat gut? Sheep and Horses

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution ? November

5) What is a camel's hair brush made of? Squirrel fur

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal? Dogs

7) What was King George VI's first name? Albert

8) What color is a purple finch? Crimson

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? New Zealand

10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane? Orange (of course!)

What do you mean, you failed?!!

Me, too...!!!

(And if you try to tell me you passed, you lie!)

From the collection of Jeffrey Parker:

All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand.

The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled
broadly. As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.

John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. "Give me one last request, dear,"he said.
"Of course, John," his wife said softly.
"Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Bob."
"But I thought you hated Bob," she said.
With his last breath John said, "I do!"

Graveside Service (from Jeffrey Parker)

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a grave side service for a homeless man.

He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's
cemetery in the Kentucky back-country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost; and being a typical man I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.

There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep.

They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low my heart was full.

As I was opening the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Why can't men just ask for directions?

Paraprosdokian sentences (from Jeffrey Parker)

A paraprosdokian (from Greek meaning "beyond" and meaning "expectation") is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect.For this reason, it is extremely popular among comedians and satirists.This is for all you comedians out there.

Ø   I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Ø   Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

Ø   I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

Ø   Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

Ø   The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

Ø   Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Ø   If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.

Ø   We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

Ø   War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

Ø   Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

Ø   The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Ø   Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

Ø   To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

Ø   How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Ø   Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.

Ø   Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them
fish.

Ø   I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.

Ø   A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.

Ø   Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR".

Ø   I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

Ø   Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Ø   Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

Ø   Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America ?

Ø   Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

Ø   A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Ø   You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

Ø   The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

Ø   Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

Ø   A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

Ø   Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.

Ø   Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

Ø   I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my
foot.

Ø   Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

Ø   There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

Ø   I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

Ø   I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.

Ø   When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

Ø   You're never too old to learn something stupid.

Ø   To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whateverit is you hit the target.

Ø   Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

Ø   Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.

Ø   A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.

Ø   If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?

Ø   Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

A SENIOR'S TRIP TO COSTCO

Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina Dog chow for my loyal pet, Biscuit, the Wonder Dog and was in the Checkout line when the woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, so on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was Laughing so hard.

Costco won't let me shop there anymore.

Better watch what you ask retired people.

They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.

A young man moved from his parents home into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.   As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, 'Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming.'

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, 'What would you say is my best feature?' Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, 'It's got to be your ears.'

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, 'My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid.

Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere.  How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?'

Clearing his throat, he stammered . . . . 'Outside, when you said you heard someone coming.... That was me.'

Subject: Top Ten Country & Western Songs

10. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine
9. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman But I Woke Up With A Few
8. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me
7. I've Missed You, But My Aim's Improvin'
6. Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Scared She'd Win
5. I'm So Miserable Without You It's Like You're Still Here
4. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Miss Him
3. She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger
2. She's Lookin' Better with Every Beer
And the Number One Country & Western song is.
1. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed My Ass All Day

I lost the trivia contest at the church social last night, by one point -- The last question was: "Where do most women have curly hair?"
Apparently the correct answer is: Africa.

You ain't gonna believe these ...

"Hoist with his own petard"

A fellow was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him.

The first fellow said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.

They were even after the first few holes. The second guy said, "We're about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?" The first fellow said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms.

The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease.

As they were walking off number eighteen, and while counting his $80.00, the second guy confessed that he was the pro at a neighboring course and liked to pick on suckers. The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish Priest.

The pro got all flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money. The Priest said, "You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."

The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?" The Priest said, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation. And, if you want to bring your mother and father along, I'll marry them...."

WOULD YOU REMARRY?

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the Wife looks over at him and asks the question...

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"

HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND: "Of course I do."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"

HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)

HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)

WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"

HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."

WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"

HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"

HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"

HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."

WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"

HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."

WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you?

HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times."

WIFE: "Would she use my clubs?

HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."

WIFE: -- silence --

HUSBAND: "shit..."

FEMALE COMPASSION

(The depth and breadth of it is truly amazing!)

A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs.

Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.

The first woman said 'Have you ever had a hug?'

The man said 'No,' so she gave him a hug and walked on.

The second woman said, 'Have you ever had a kiss?'

The man said, 'No,' so she gave him a kiss and walked on.

The third woman came to him and said, 'Have you ever been fucked?'

The fellow's eyes lit up and with a big grin he said, 'No.'

She said, 'You will be when the tide comes in.'

(received from ... my mother!)

My wife and I went to the Lincolnshire county farm show and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,

' THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs .....Smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a week.'

We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,
'' THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW~~That's more than twice! A week ! ...........You could learn a lot from him.'

We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said,
In capital letters,
'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said,
'That's once a day ..You could REALLY learn something from this one.'

I looked at her and said,
'Go over and ask him if it was with the same old cow.'

I don't remember much about what happened next

My condition has been upgraded from critical
To stable , I should eventually make a full recovery.

And, for you Catholics out there ... (received from Jeffrey Parker)

An old nun who was living in a convent next to a construction site noticed the coarse language of the workers and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways.

She decided she would take her lunch, sit with the workers and talk with them.

She put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to the spot where the men were eating.

Sporting a big smile, she walked up to the group and asked: "And do you men know Jesus Christ?"

They shook their heads and looked at each other... very confused.

One of the workers looked up into the steelworks and yelled out, "Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?"

One of the steelworkers yelled down, "Why?"

The worker yelled back, "'Cause his wife's here with his lunch."

High School Reunion (from Jeffrey Parker)

Rachel, Clare and Samantha haven't seen each other since High School. They rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet for lunch in a wine bar.

Rachel arrives first,wearing beige Versace. She orders a bottle of chilled Chablis. Clare arrives shortly afterward, in gray Chanel. After the required ritualized kisses she joins Rachel in a glass of Chablis. Then Samantha walks in, wearing a faded old Barbour anorak, blue jeans and Wellington boots. She too shares the wine.

Rachel explains that after leaving high school and graduating from Princeton in Classics, she met and married Timothy, with whom she has a beautiful daughter. Timothy is a partner in one of New York 's leading law firms. They live in a 4000 sq ft co-op on Fifth Avenue, where Susanna, the daughter, attends drama school. They have a second home in the hills above Monte Carlo .

Clare relates that she graduated from Harvard Med School and became a Consultant Gynecologist. Her husband, Clive, is a leading Wall Street investment banker. They live in Southampton on Long Island and have a second home in Naples,Florida .

Samantha explains that she left school at 17 and ran off with her boyfriend, Ben. They run a tropical bird park in California and grow their own vegetables. Ben can stand five parrots, side by side, on his willy.

Half way down the third bottle of Chablis, several hours later, Rachel blurts out the her husband isn't Tim, he's Tom and he's a cashier at Walmart. They live in a small condo in Brooklyn and have a travel trailer parked at a nearby a storage facility.

Clare, chastened and encouraged by her old friend's honesty, explains that she and Clive are both nurses' aides in Bellevue. They live in Jersey City and vacation at a motel in Orlando .

Samantha confesses that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.

King Arthur and the Witch:

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.

The question?...What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.

But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.

The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.

He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:

What a woman really wants, she answered....is to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.

And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.

The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened

The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.

Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night?

Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?

What would YOU do?

What Lancelot chose is below.

BUT....make YOUR choice before you scroll down below.

OKAY?

Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

Now....what is the moral to this story?

Scroll down

The moral is.....
If you don't let a woman have her own way....
Things are going to get ugly!

These great questions and answers are from the days when 'Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course..

Q.  Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness!
(The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency..

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty...

Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp   Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen : Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh.

ANDY ROONEY ON SEX

1. When I was born, I was given a choice, a big dick or a good memory ... I don't remember what I chose.

2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.

4. Impotence: nature's way of saying, "No hard feelings..."

5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.

6. Panties: not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.

7. There are three stages in a man's life: Tri-Weekly, Try Weekly and Try Weakly.

8. Virginity can be cured.

9. Virginity is not dignity, it's lack of opportunity.

10. Having sex is like playing bridge - if you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.

11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too small.

12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

13. Question: What's an Australian kiss?
    Answer: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.

14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing.

15. Question: What are the three biggest tragedies in a man's life?
    Answer: Life sucks, job sucks and the wife doesn't.

16. Question: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
    Answer: Breasts don't have eyes.

17. Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives!

Apple does it again!

Apple announced it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music.

The iTit will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size. This is considered a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them!!!

Medicine Man (received from Edyth Parker)

On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife.
The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby
reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for
erectile dysfunction.

After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket
to the medicine man, and wondered what he was in for.

The old man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to him, and
with a grip on his shoulder, warned, "This is a powerful medicine, and it
must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say '1-2-3.'

When you do that, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your
life, and you can perform as long as you want."

The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do
I stop the medicine from working? "Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" he
responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the
next full moon."

The man was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered,
shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to
join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and
said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men.

His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she
asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a
preposition, because we too could end up with a dangling participle.

DAD AT THE MALL (received from Jeffrey Parker)

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 92). We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. His clothes were equally colorful: bright blue pants, electric green shirt, yellow belt....and I think there was eye makeup involved, too. My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time.

When the teenager had had enough, he sarcastically asked, “What?s the matter, old man? Never done anything wild in your life?" Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response, knowing he would have a good one, and in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response:

"Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."

The Funniest Staff Meeting Ever! (received from Jeffrey Parker)

The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week. (This is one pretty sharp boss!) When everyone gathered, the boss, who understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest. The theme: Viagra advertising slogans.

The only rule was they had to use past ad slogans, originally written for other products that captured the essence of Viagra. Slight variations were acceptable.

About 7 minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a Top 10 List. With all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week went very well for everyone! The top 10 were:

10. Viagra, Whaazzzz up!

9. Viagra, The quicker pecker picker upper.

8. Viagra, like a rock !

7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.

6. Viagra , Be all that you can be.

5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.

4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.

3. Viagra, Home of the whopper!

2. Viagra, We bring good things to Life!

And the unanimous number one slogan:

1. This is your peepee... This is your peepee on drugs.

Irony ...

A true senior experience - we'll get there and will not even know we did - that's the great part about it.

An 83 year old woman was pulled over by a young patrol officer.

The officer asked the woman, "Do you realize that you were speeding?"

The woman looked very perplexed, but stammered out, "Well - yes I was - but I wanted to get there before I forgot where I was going."

A few minutes later the woman was on her way, in the possession of a warning ticket, and the young officer was standing there shaking his head, with a smile on his face.

Birds of a feather flock together . . . and then shit on your car.

A penny saved is a government oversight.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement .

He who hesitates is probably right.

Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are XL.'

If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.

Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words 'The' and 'IRS' together it spells 'Theirs....'

Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know 'why' I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to your youth, think of Algebra.

You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young. Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today, it's called golf.

A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and Blue.

Doctor: "What happened?"

Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes
home drunk he beats me to a pulp."

Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes
Home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your
mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow until he goes to bed and is asleep."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and
reborn

Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea!
Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with sweet tea. I
swished and swished, and he didn't touch me!"

Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"

For Mother’s Day:

GOD CREATED CHILDREN (AND IN THE PROCESS GRANDCHILDREN).

To those of us who have children in our lives, Whether they are our own, Grandchildren, Nieces, Nephews, or students ... This will make you chuckle.

Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own children.

After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve.

And the first thing he said was "DON'T!"

"Don't what?" Adam replied.

"Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.

"Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey Eve, we have forbidden fruit!"

"No Way!"

"Yes way!"

"Do NOT eat the fruit!" Said God.

"Why?"

"Because I am your Father and I said so!" God replied, wondering why He hadn't stopped Creation after making the elephants.

A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and He was ticked! "Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?" God asked.

"Uh huh," Adam replied.

"Then why did you?" Said the Father.

"I don't know," Said Eve.

"She started it!" Adam said.

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

"DID NOT!"

Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.

If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself.

If God had trouble raising His children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?

THINGS TO THINK ABOUT!

1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.

2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children.

3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.

4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.

5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own

6. We childproofed our homes, but they are still getting in.

ADVICE FOR THE DAY: Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing home one day.

FINALLY: IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION AND YOU GET A HEADACHE, DO WHAT IT SAYS ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE:

'TAKE TWO ASPIRIN' AND 'KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN'!!!!!

Trunk monkeys (hysterical)

An Irish school girl who knows what she wants (received from Jeffrey Parker)

REDNECK LENT

Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill
and cook a venison steak.

But, all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic. And since it was Lent,
they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday.

The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a
problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest.

The Priest came to visit Bubba, and suggested that he become a Catholic.

After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass...and as the
priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, 'You were born a
Baptist, and raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic.

Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived,
and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood.

The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors, and, as he rushed
into Bubba's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he
stopped and watched in amazement.

There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he
carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted:

You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you is a catfish.

The other day I needed to go to the emergency room.

Not wanting to sit there for 4 hours, I put on my old Army fatigues and stuck a patch onto the front of my shirt that I had downloaded off the Internet.

When I went into the E.R., I noticed that 3/4 of the people got up and left. I guess they decided that they weren't that sick after all. Cut at least 3 hours off my waiting time.

Here's the patch. Feel free to use it the next time you're in need of quicker emergency service.

It also works at DMV. It saved me 5 hours.

At the Laundromat, three minutes after entering, I had my choice of any machine, most still running.

Don't try it at McDonald's though.....

The whole crew got up and left and l never got my order...

Caution... They walk among us!

Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: 'Free to good home. You want it, you take it.' For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal. It looked to good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: 'Fridge for sale $50.'
The next day someone stole it!

***They walk among us!***

One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when someone shouted....'Look at that dead bird!' Someone looked up at the sky and said...'where?'

***They walk among us!!***

While looking at a house, my brother asked the estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the north?' When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, 'Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff.'

***They walk among us!!***

My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the beach. She drove down in a convertible, but 'didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving'.

***They walk among us!!!!***

I told the girl at the steakhouse register that I wanted the half kilogram sirloin. She informed me they only had an 500g sirloin. Not wanting to make a scene, I told her I would take the 500g steak instead of the half-kilogram.

***They walk among us! ***

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car it's designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped She keeps it in the boot...

***They walk among us!!!!!***

My friends and I were on a Lager run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases.. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount.....

***They walk among us!!!!!!***

I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, 'Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turned her head?' I had to explain that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned..

***They walk among us!!!!!!! ***

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. 'Now,' she asked me, 'Has your plane arrived yet?'...

***They walk among us!!!!!!!!***

While working at a pizza parlour I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. 'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.

***Yep, They Walk Among Us, too.!!!!!!!!

Not only do they walk among us, they also vote and reproduce!!!!

Born This Way: The Difference Between Men and Women (hysterical)

Can you remember?

Medical dilemmas

Supermarket products from around the world

Psychopath Test (received from .... my brother)

Food ... gone bad

A woman went to a pet shop & immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.

"Why so little?" she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of Prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway.

She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam." The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's really not so bad."

When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."

The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said, "Hi Keith."

IN THIS SHORT VIDEO, THE HOSTESS IN THE LOBBY OF A BIG HOTEL INFORMS A SENIOR CITIZEN THAT NO BATHING SUITS ARE ALLOWED IN THE LOBBY. SCORE ONE MORE FOR SENIORS! LIKE SOMEONE SAID, DON'T MESS WITH OLD PEOPLE. THEY'RE ALREADY MAD BECAUSE THEY'RE OLD AND YOU CAN'T HOPE TO WIN.

Don't mess with old people

Clean the INSIDE of your computer screen

You probably don't clean your computer screen very often and it is really hard to do the inside, so here is my present to you.

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa (received courtesy of Jeffrey Parker)

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.

The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'

Don't Mess with Old People!

Deaf Sex (recieved courtesy of Jeffrey Parker)

Two deaf people get married and during the first week of marriage they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom with the lights out since they can't see each other signing, or read lips.

After several nights of fumbling around and many misunderstandings, the wife figures out a solution.

She writes a note to her husband: 'Honey, why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast two times.

The husband thinks this is a great idea. He writes back to his wife that if she wants to have sex with him, reach over and pull on his penis one time. If she doesn't want to have sex, pull on his penis two hundred and fifty times.

FROZEN SKUNK

A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car. There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive.

It was, and she said to her husband, 'It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?'

He says, 'O.K., Get in the car with it.'

'Where shall I put it to get it warm?'

He says, 'Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there.

'But what about the smell?'

'Just hold its little nose.'

The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with died at the scene.

Excerpts from a Dog's Diary...

8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk Bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

Excerpts from a Cat's Daily Diary...

Day 983 of my captivity...

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets.

Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am. Idiots.

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow, but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return.

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now...

THE DUCK IS DEAD!

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid
her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."

Steven Wright is a famous, erudite scientist who once said: "I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates".

His mind sees things differently than most of us do. Here are some of his gems:

1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
3 - Half the people you know are below average.
4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8 - If you want the rainbow, you've got to put up with the rain.
9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend... but she left me before we met.
12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?
13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
19 - I intend to live forever... so far, so good.
20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.

And an all time favorite-
34 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this: Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer. The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it.

She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.

Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!' What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.. .?

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and ...

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest

position, and tingling in my legs? The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself!

You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative?

IT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.

Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

P.S. My wife, can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid.

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Bill says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like the dickens! I guess I'd better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs $10. A lot cheaper than a doctor."

So, Bill deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart. He deposits $10, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and Epsom salts, found in aisle 2. Avoid heavy activity. It will improve in 2 weeks. Thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Bill began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.

Bill hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits $10, pours in his concoction, and waits for the results.

The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm.. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!
Thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.

WHAT PART OF YOUR BODY GOES TO HEAVEN FIRST?

The nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, "When you die and go to Heaven ... Which part of your body goes first?"

Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands."

"Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?"

Suzy replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first."

"What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.

Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think it's your legs."

The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face.

"Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your legs?"

Little Johnny said, "Well, I walked into Mummy and Daddy's bedroom the other night. Mummy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, "Oh God, I'm coming!" If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her."

The nun fainted.

Computer Repair

Caller: Hi, our printer is not working.
Customer Service: What is wrong with it?
Caller: Mouse is jammed.
Customer Service: Mouse? Printers don't have a mouse.
Caller: Mmmmm? Oh really? I will send a picture....

You've heard of wedding cakes? See divorce cakes.

A FARMER DECIDED HE WANTED TO GO TO TOWN AND SEE A MOVIE.

THE TICKET AGENT ASKED, "SIR, WHAT'S THAT ON YOUR SHOULDER?"

THE OLD FARMER SAID,

"THAT'S MY PET ROOSTER CHUCK. WHEREVER I GO, CHUCK GOES."

"I'M SORRY SIR," SAID THE TICKET AGENT, "WE CAN'T ALLOW ANIMALS IN THE THEATER."

THE OLD FARMER WENT AROUND THE CORNER AND STUFFED CHUCK DOWN HIS OVERALLS. THEN HE RETURNED TO THE BOOTH, BOUGHT A TICKET, AND ENTERED THE THEATER.

HE SAT DOWN NEXT TO TWO OLD WIDOWS NAMED MILDRED AND MARGE.

THE MOVIE STARTED AND THE ROOSTER BEGAN TO SQUIRM. . . THE OLD FARMER UNBUTTONED HIS FLY SO CHUCK COULD STICK HIS HEAD OUT AND WATCH THE MOVIE.

"MARGE," WHISPERED MILDRED.

"WHAT?" SAID MARGE.

"I THINK THE GUY NEXT TO ME IS A PERVERT."

"WHAT MAKES YOU THINK SO?" ASKED MARGE?

"HE UNDID HIS PANTS AND HE HAS HIS THING OUT", WHISPERED MILDRED.

"WELL, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT", SAID MARGE.. "AT OUR AGE WE'VE SEEN 'EM ALL"

"I THOUGHT SO TOO", SAID MILDRED,

"BUT THIS ONE'S EATIN' MY POPCORN!"

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? (written by kids) (received from R. Simche Sherer)

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.

-- Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with....

-- Kristen, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.

-- Camille, age 10

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.

-- Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

Both don't want any more kids.

-- Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough...

-- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure?)

On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.

-- Martin, age 10 (isn't he ready for the world of dating?)

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?

I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.

-- Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

When they're rich.

-- Pam, age 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.

-- Curt, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them... It's the right thing to do.

-- Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.

-- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?

There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?

-- Kelvin, age 8 (I like this kid)

And the #1 Favorite is ...

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.

-- Ricky, age 10 (He'll be married forever)

Advice from Curtis & Leroy:

Limit all US politicians to two terms;
One in office,
One in prison.

The City of Detroit and the State of Illinois already do this.

Maxines ...

Maxine on "Driver Safety"   "I can't use the cell phone in the car. I have to keep my hands free for making gestures.".......

Maxine on "Lawn Care"  "The key to a nice-looking lawn is a good mower. I recommend one who is muscular and shirtless."

Maxine on "The Perfect Man" "All I'm looking for is a guy who'll do what I want, when I want, for as long as I want, and then go away. Or wait nearby, like a Dust Buster, charged up and ready when needed."

Maxine on "Technology Revolution"  "My idea of rebooting is kicking somebody in the butt twice."

Maxine on "Aging"  "Take every birthday with a grain of salt. This works much better if the salt accompanies a Margarita."

FINALLY . . . A Keyboard for Old Men!

No e-mails today

I can't respond to any emails today
Something has crashed on my computer

And the mouse is missing.

Paddy was planning to get married and asked his doctor how he could tell if his bride is a virgin.

The doctor said, 'Well, you need three things from Home Depot. A can of red paint, a can of blue paint... And a shovel.'

Paddy asked, 'And what do I do with these, doc?'

The doc replied, 'Before the wedding night, you paint one of your balls red and the other ball blue.

If she says, "That's the strangest pair of balls I ever saw", you hit her with the shovel.'

A group of male lawyers lived and died for their Saturday morning round of golf. One transferred to another city. It wasn't the same without him..

A new woman lawyer joined their law firm. She overheard the guys talking about their golf round. She said, "You know, I used to play on my golf team in college and I was pretty good Would you mind if I joined you next week?"

The three guys looked at each other. Not one of them wanted to say yes', but she had them on the spot. Finally, one man said it would be okay, but they would be starting early -- at 6:30 am.

He figured the early tee-time would discourage her. The woman said this may be a problem, and asked if she could be up to 15 minutes late. They rolled their eyes, but said okay.. She smiled and said, "Good, I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."

She showed up at 6:30 sharp, and beat all three of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round. She was fun and pleasant person, and the guys were impressed. Back at the clubhouse, they congratulated her and invited her back the next week. She smiled, and said, "I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."

The next week she again showed up at 6:30 sharp. Only this time, she played left-handed. The three lawyers were incredulous as she still beat them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand. They were totally amazed, but wondered if she was trying to make them look bad by beating them left-handed.

They couldn't figure her out. She was again very pleasant and didn't seem to be purposely showing them up They invited her back again, but each man harbored a burning desire to beat her game.

The third week, the guys had their game faces on. But this time, she was 15 minutes late, which made the guys irritable. This week the lady lawyer played right-handed, and narrowly beat all three of them.

The men mused that her late arrival was due to petty gamesmanship on her part. However, she was so gracious and so complimentary of their strong play, they couldn't hold a grudge.

Back in the clubhouse, all three guys were shaking their heads. This woman was a riddle no one could figure out. They had a couple of beers, and finally, one of the men asked her point blank, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"

The lady blushed, and grinned... "That's easy," she said. "When my Dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous. I like to switch back and forth.

When I got married in college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I left in the morning for golf practice, I would pull the covers off him. If his you-know-what was pointing to the right, I golfed right-handed; if it was pointed to the left, I golfed left-handed.

The guys on the team thought this was hysterical. Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys shot back, "But what if it's pointing straight up in the air?"

She said, "Then, I'm fifteen minutes late."

A woman went to the emergency room, where she was seen by a young new doctor.   After about 3 minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant..


She burst out of the room and ran down the corridor screaming.

An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was; after listening to her story, he calmed her down and sat her in another room.

Then, the doctor marched down the hallway to the first doctor's room. "What the heck's wrong with you?" He demanded. "This woman is 68 years old, she has two grown children and several grandchildren , and you told her she was pregnant???!!!"

The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said:.........."Does she still have the hiccups?"

A crusty old golfer comes in from a round of golf at a new course and heads into the grill room. As he passes through the swinging doors he sees a sign hanging over the bar:

       COLD BEER: $2.00
       HAMBURGER: $2.25
       CHEESEBURGER: $2.50
       CHICKEN SANDWICH: $3.50
       HAND JOB: $50.00

After checking his wallet, the old guy walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled golfers.

She glides down behind the bar to the old golfer. "Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, "May I help you?"

The old golfer leans over the bar and whispers, "I was wondering, young lady," he whispers, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"

She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs: "Yes Sir, I sure am"

The old golfer leans closer and into her left ear and says softly, "Well sweetheart, wash your hands real good, because I want a cheeseburger."

New Seat Belt law.

This becomes effective OCTOBER 1, 2009 in ALL Countries.
The National Highway Safety Council has done extensivetesting on a newly Designed seat belt.
Results show that accidents can be reduced by as much as 95%
when the belt is properly installed.
Correct Installation is illustrated below...

Please pass on to family and friends.
THIS MAY HELP SAVE A LIFE!

This can really save lives and lower blood pressure by 40%

I KNOW....YOU SMILED.

YEAH, YOU SMILED AGAIN

(received from Michael Lichtenstein)

Restroom Signs

ITALIAN BREAD

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning.
The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.
The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.
The 87 year old said, "Well, I eat Italian bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."
So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help.
He said, "Do you have any Italian bread?"
She said, "Yes, theres a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"
He said, I want 5 loaves."

She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves ....by the time you get to the 5th loaf, it'll be hard."

He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody knows about this shit but me."

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first
class section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a
tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to
fifteen seconds.

The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman
sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered
violently once more.

Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still
curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the
woman sneezed yet again. As before she took a tissue, wiped her
nose, her body shaking even more than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman
and said,

'I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times,
wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you ok?'

'I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical
condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm.'

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. 'I have
never heard of that condition before' he said. 'Are you taking
anything for it?'

The woman nodded, 'Pepper.'

Sunshine:

The following questions were set in last year's GCSE examination in the U.K.
These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)...

Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists

Q. How is dew formed
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q. What causes the tides in the oceans
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election

Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs           (Shoot yourself now , there is little hope)

Q. What happens to your body as you age
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery         (So true)

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death

Q. What is artificial insemination
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow                                    (Simple, but brilliant)

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I, O and U                        (What the *!!*???)

Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie

Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A. Nearby

Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium   (That would work)

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome

Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor.        (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)

Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport.      (Irrefutable)

Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas

Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning
A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.                              (OMG)

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight

Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee.

The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well...?"

She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D breasts, 24" stomach and 34" hips. When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh My God."

To Be 6 Again...

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.

'I'd like to be six again', she replied, still looking in the mirror .

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.

He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being six again?'

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.

'I meant my dress size, you retard!!!!'

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.

Can you imagine the nun sitting at her desk grading these papers, all the while trying to keep a straight face and maintain her composure!

PAY SPECIAL ATTENTION TO THE WORDING AND SPELLING. IF YOU KNOW THE BIBLE EVEN A LITTLE, YOU'LL FIND THIS HILARIOUS! IT COMES FROM A CATHOLIC ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEST.

KIDS WERE ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT THE OLD AND NEW TESTAMENTS. THE FOLLOWING STATEMENTS ABOUT THE BIBLE WERE WRITTEN BY CHILDREN. THEY HAVE NOT BEEN RETOUCHED OR CORRECTED. INCORRECT SPELLING HAS BEEN LEFT IN.

1.
IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS, GOD GOT TIRED OF CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF.

2.
ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH'S WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS.

3.
LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE DURING THE NIGHT.

4.
THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS.

5.
SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH.

6.
SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES.

7.
MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS.

8.
THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTERWARDS, MOSES WENT UP TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS.

9.
THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE.

10.
THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY.

11.
MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA. THEN JOSHUA LED THE HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE OF GERITOL.
12.
THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.

13.
DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES.

14.
SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES.

15.
WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA CARTA.

16.
WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND JESUS IN THE MANAGER.

17.
JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION.

18.
ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD.

19.
JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE.

20.
IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE.

21.
THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS.

22.
THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES.

23.
ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN.

24.
ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY. HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE.

25.
CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY.

Honey, I fixed it....

I just remodeled my bathroom ...

Woman's Dark Side (courtesy of Jeffery Parker)

A woman was in town on a shopping trip.

She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second. In the third, everything had just been reduced by 50 percent when her mobile phone rang.

It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible car accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU. The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible. As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the boutiques. She decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital.

She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful chocolate cake slice, compliments of the last shop. She was jubilant.

Then she remembered her husband.

Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital.

She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition.

The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, 'You went ahead and finished your shopping trip, didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round-the-clock care. And he will now be your career!' The woman was feeling so guilty, she broke down and sobbed.

The lady doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg. He's dead. Show me what you bought.'

First woman on the moon

You have to be old enough to appreciate this. If you don't understand it, you are too young.

My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60. Now he's 97 years old and we don't know where the hell he is.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there..

Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise', I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

I do have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they'll say, 'Well, she looks good doesn't she.'

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years, just getting over the hill.

We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

and

Every time I start thinking too much about how I look, I just find a Happy Hour and by the time I leave, I look just fine.

I don't care how good the food is ...

HISTORICAL FACTS

They used to use urine to tan animal skins, so families used to all pee in a pot and, then, once a day it was taken & sold to the tannery. If you had to do this to survive you were "Piss Poor."

But worse than that were the really poor folk who couldn't even afford to buy a pot. They "didnt have a pot to piss in" and were the lowest of the low.

The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be.

Here are some facts about the 1500s:

Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May and they still smelled pretty good by June. However, since they were starting to smell, brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.

Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children. Last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water!"

Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying "It's raining cats and dogs."

There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into existence.

The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence the saying, "Dirt poor." The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until, when you opened the door, it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entrance-way. Hence: a thresh hold.

(Getting quite an education, aren't you?)

In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme: Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old.

Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could, "bring home the bacon." They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and chew the fat.

Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.

Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or "the upper crust.

Lead cups were used to dringk ale or whiskey. The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking along road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a wake.

England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a bone-house, and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the graveyard shift.) to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be, saved by the bell or was considered a dead ringer....

And that's the truth...

Lipstick in School

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lip stick, they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night the maintenance man would remove them, and the next day the girls would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses).

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers ... and then there are educators!

Two Story Outhouse

Words fail me! This picture is worth 10,000 of them.

Yep!!! This pretty much says it all.

Video/Audio:

R rated: Banned Commerical

R rated: Why Women Can't Play the Piano

Another banned commercial (PG13?)

PC: when you don't know how to talk to your computer

Bowling (you don't need to be a bowler to appreciate this)

The Ball Girl -- just amazing

Morse Code vs. Texting -- and the surprize winner is ...

Things you don't say to your wife

X rated: Prize winning ads

Waterslide

A man owned a small ranch in Texas. The Texas Work Force Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.

"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.

"Well," replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board."

"The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week plus free room and board."

"Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."

"That's the guy I want to talk to -- the half-wit," said the agent.

"That would be me," replied the Rancher

THE LAWS OF ULTIMATE REALITY

* Law of Mechanical Repair
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and
you'll have to pee..

* Law of Gravity
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

* Law of Probability
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity
of your act.

* Law of Random Numbers
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always
answers.

* Law of the Alibi
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the
very next morning you will have a flat tire.

* Variation Law
If you change traffic lanes, the one you were in will always move faster
than the one you are in now (works every time).

* Law of the Bath
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

* Law of Close Encounters
The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you
are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

* Law of the Result
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

* Law of Biomechanics
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

* Law of the Theatre
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive
last.

* The Starbucks Law
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do
something which will last until the coffee is cold.

* Murphy's Law of Lockers
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent
lockers.

* Law of Physical Surfaces
The chances of an open-faced jam sandwich landing face down on a floor
covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

* Brown's Law of Physical Appearance
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

* Wilson 's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy

As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

* Doctors' Law
If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time
you get there you'll feel better. Don't make an appointment and you'll stay
sick.

* Law of Logical Argument
Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

Blonde

A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde.

The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many such glances from her he said, "It's golf balls."

Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time deeply thinking about what he had said. After several minutes, and not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

$40,000 funeral

Jim died. His will provided $40,000 for an elaborate funeral.

As the last guests departed the affair, his wife Sharon turned to her oldest and dearest friend. 'Well, I'm sure Jim would be pleased,' she said.

'I'm sure you're right,' replied Brenda, who lowered her voice and leaned in close.

'How much did this really cost?'

'All of it,' said Sharon. 'Forty thousand.'

'No!' Brenda exclaimed. 'I mean, it was very nice, but $40,000?'

Sharon answered, 'The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to church. The whiskey, wine and snacks were another $500. The rest went for the Memorial Stone.'

Brenda computed quickly. '$32,500 for a Memorial Stone? How big is it?'

Yeah...she'll remember him every time she looks at THAT.

Eileen and her husband Bob went for counseling after 25 years of marriage.

When asked what the problem was, Eileen went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they had been married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking Eileen to stand, embraced her, unbuttoned her blouse and bra, put his hands on her breasts and massaged them thoroughly, while kissing her passionately as her husband Bob watched with a raised eyebrow!

Eileen shut up, buttoned up her blouse, and quietly sat down while basking in the glow of being highly aroused.

The therapist turned to Bob and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week.. Can you do this?'

Bob thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf.

Little Johnny Strikes Again

The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my
granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was
fascinating.'

The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to
use the word fascinate, not fascinating'.

Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see
Rock City and I was fascinated..'

The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but I
wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'

Little Johnny raised his hand.

The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little
Johnny before.

She finally decided there was no way he could damage the
word 'fascinate', so she called on him for his
offering.

Johnny said, ' My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten
buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten
eight.'

The teacher sat down and cried.

An old prospector shuffled into town leading an old
tired mule. The old man headed straight for the only
saloon in town to clear his parched throat.

He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to
the hitch rail. As he stood there brushing some of the
dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger
stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and
a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and
laughed, saying, 'Hey old man, have you ever danced?'

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, 'No,
I never did dance, just never wanted to.'

A crowd had gathered quickly and the gunslinger
grinned and said, 'Well, you old fool, you're gonna'
dance now,' and started shooting at the old man's
feet.

The old prospector in order to not get a toe blown off
or his boots perforated, was soon hopping around like
a flea on a hot skillet and everybody was laughing fit
to be tied.

When the last bullet had been fired the young gunslinger,
still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go
back into the saloon.

The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-
barreled shotgun and cocked both hammers back. The
loud, audible double clicks carried clearly through the
desert air.

The crowd stopped laughing immediately. The young
gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around
very slowly. The quiet was almost deafening.

The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the
old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.
He found it hard to swallow. The barrels of the shotgun
never wavered in the old man's hands.

The old man said, 'Son, did you ever kiss a mule's ass?'
The boy bully swallowed hard and said, 'No. But I've
always wanted to.'

There are two lessons for us all:
1. Don't waste ammunition
and
2. Don't mess with us old people.

Salesmanship

A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Dakota."

Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job.

"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor "How many customers bought something from you today?"

The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, "One".

The boss says "Just one?!!? Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day.

That will have to change, and soon, if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida. One sale a day might have been acceptable in North Dakota, but you're not on the farm anymore, son."

The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?"

The kid looks up at his boss and says "$101,237.65".

The boss, astonished, says $101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?"

The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!?"

The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing’”.

WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST

She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

Keep reading-they get better!!!

WOMEN'S REVENGE

As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)

I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider.

CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store
to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco
and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper...
So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.
(I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)

WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"

WORDS

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day ... 30,000 to a man's 15,000.

The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men....

The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

WHO DOES WHAT

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.

The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and
you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."

Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."

Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says "HEBREWS."

The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.

Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper. He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.

The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece

A short guy is sitting at a bar just staring at his drink for half an hour
when this big trouble-making biker steps next to him, grabs his drink, gulps
it down in one swig and then turns to the guy with a menacing stare as if to
say, 'What'cha gonna do about it?"

The poor little guy starts crying.

"Come on man, I was just giving you a hard time," the biker says. "I didn't
think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," says the little guy between sobs. "I
can't do anything right. I overslept and was late to an important meeting,
so my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was
stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took
home." He continues, crying even harder. "Then I found my wife in bed with
the gardener and my dog bit me. So, I came to this bar trying to work up
the courage to put an end to my life, and then you show up and drink the
damn poison."

Texas Chili Cookoff -- one of the classics of all times

Husband of the Year Awards

Medical Funnies (well, maybe not so funny)

Blonde 2009

Kids Are Quick

TEACHER:    Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA:         Here it is.
TEACHER:   Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?

CLASS:          Maria.
____________________________________

TEACHER:   John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?

JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'

GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'

TEACHER: No, that's wrong

GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

(I Love this kid)
____________________________________________

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?

DONALD: H I J K L M N O.

TEACHER: What are you talking about?

DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O..
__________________________________

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.

WINNIE:      Me!
__________________________________________

TEACHER:   Glen, why do you always get so dirty?

GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '

MILLIE: I is..

TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'

MILLIE:          All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
________________________________

TEACHER:    George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it.
                        Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?

LOUIS:          Because George still had the axe in his hand.
______________________________________

TEACHER:    Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?

SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________

TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?

CLYDE : No, sir... It's the same dog.

__________________________________

Golf for beginners:

A Little Austrian Town Named....

The newspaper article below is even funnier than the sign itself!

�

Are the residents called Fuckers?

What are the mothers called?

What would you be learning at the Fucking High School ?

Does the Fucking Hospital help you with anything else?

If your friend came from another town, he wouldn't be your Fucking friend.

I didn't believe this was true... So I did an Internet search.It's TRUE!!! Here's more pictures and info.

Now, this one is really good! The sign says 'Bitte! Nicht so schnell', which in English translates to 'Please! Not so fast!

More tidbits, and it gets even funnier!

Pronounced 'fooking'

The little hamlet of Fucking is named after the man who founded the village in the 6th century.

His name? Focko.

NOW YOU CAN FORWARD THIS TO ALL YOUR FRIENDS WHO KNOW NOTHING ABOUT THE FUCKING TOWN!!!

Each of us is the result of the influence of many people. However some individuals have played a significant role in our development, They are often called "role models" that we consciously or unconsciously imitate.

Perhaps you know who that person is, or perhaps you don't.

The world renowned Sir Trevoir Rigelsworth, Ph.D, has given us a simple way to determine our role model. It is easy and only takes a minute and it may surprise you.

WHO IS YOUR ROLE MODEL???*

Be sure not to peek! You don't want to skew your answer.

Try this - it's really neat ...

Don't look at the answers:

1) Pick your favorite number between 1-9

2) Multiply by 3 then

3) Add 3, then again Multiply by 3 (I'll wait while you get the Calculator....)

4) You'll get a 2 or 3 digit number...

5) Add the digits together

Now Scroll down ..............

With that number, see who your ROLE MODEL is from the list below:

1. Einstein
2. Oprah Winfrey
3. Mother Teresa
4. Randubius Raji
5. Bill Gates
6. Johann Von Stueckenberg
7. Brad Pitt
8. Babe Ruth
9. Steven Parker
10. Barack Obama

I know...I just have that effect on people. One day you too can be like me.
Believe it!

P.S. Stop picking different numbers! I AM YOUR IDOL, JUST DEAL WITH IT.

12 or 13? (wait for it)

A rare photo of the 1940 Tour d'France:

What's wrong with this picture?

A nurse was on duty in the A&E [ER] when a young woman with purple hair
styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and
wearing strange clothing, entered.

It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she
was scheduled for an immediate operation. When she was completely disrobed
on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green,
and above it there was a tattoo that read, 'Keep off the grass.' Once the surgery was
completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said:
'Sorry, had to mow the lawn.'

Submitted by Staff Nurse RN Elaine Fogerty, KGH London.

Abbot and Costello on computers

WINDOWS 2000 TENNESSEE EDITION

Dear Consumers:

It has come to our attention that a few copies of the WINDOWS 2000 TENNESSEE EDITION may have accidentally been shipped outside of the STATE of TENNESSEE.

If you have one of these, you may need help understanding

the commands. The TENNESSEE EDITION may be recognized by the unique opening screen. It reads: WINDERS 2000, with a background picture of Willie Nelson superimposed on a bottle of Jack Daniels.

Please also note:

   The Recycle Bin is labeled "Outhouse"
   My Computer is called "This Dern Contraption"
   Dial Up Networking is called "Good Ol' Boys"
   Control Panel is known as "The Dashboard"
   Hard Drive is referred to as "4-Wheel Drive"
   Floppies are "Them little ol' plastic thangs"
   Instead of an error message, "Duct Tape" pops up

   CHANGES IN TERMINOLOGY IN TENNESSEE EDITION:
   Cancel............stopdat
   Reset.............try'er agin
   Yes...............yep
   No................nope
   Find..............hunt fer it
   Go to.............over yonder
   Back..............back yonder
   Help..............hep me out here
   Stop..............kwitit (WHOA!)
   Start.............crank'er up
   Settings..........settins
   Programs......... stuff at duz stuff
   Documents....... .stuff ah done did

Also note that the TENNESSEE EDITION does not recognize capital letters or punctuation marks. Some programs that are exclusive to WINDERS 2000:

Tiperiter.....................a word processing program
Colerin' Book.................a graphics program
Cyferin' Mersheen.............calculator
Outhouse Paper................notepad
Inner-net.....................Microsoft explorer 5.0
Pitchers......................a graphics viewer

We regret any inconvenience it may have caused. If you received a copy of the TENNESSEE EDITION, you may return it to Microsoft for a replacement version.

I hope this helps all y'all!

Billy Bob Gates

Blonde Rider

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no
lessons, nor prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted, and the
horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and
rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slide from the saddle.

In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm
grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides
down the horse's side anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly
impervious to its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from
the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become
entangled in the stirrup, she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding
hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.

As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from
unconsciousness when to her great fortune.... Frank, the Walmart greeter,
sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse.

And you thought all they did was say "Hello".

THE PLAN

¹In the beginning was the Plan. ²And then came the Assumptions.

³And the Assumptions were without form, and the Plan was without substance. And darkness was upon the faces of the Workers. ⁴And they spoke among themselves saying, It is a crock of shit, and it stinketh. And the Workers went unto their Supervisors saying unto them,

⁵It is a pail of dung, and none may abide it. And the Supervisors went unto their Managers saying unto them, It is a pail of excrement, and it is very strong, such that none may abide it.

⁶And the Managers went unto their Directors saying unto them, It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength. And the Directors spoke among themselves saying unto one another,

⁷It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong. And the Directors then went unto the Vice-Presidents saying unto them, It promotes growth, and it is very powerful. ⁸And the Vice-Presidents went unto the President saying unto him, This new Plan will actively promote the growth and ⁹vigor of the company with powerful effects.

¹⁰And the President looked upon the Plan and saw that it was good.

¹¹And thus the Plan became Policy.

- Corporate New Revised Standard Testament

THIS IS HOW SHIT HAPPENS!

Memo from the company

Dear Employees,

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of economy in USA and Canada since Christmas '08, Management has decided to implement a scheme to put workers 40 years of age on early retirement.

This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early). Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to management to be eligible for the SHAFT (Special Help After Forced Termination) scheme.

Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers) scheme. A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as management deems appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPED can only get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants or Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance). Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by management.

Persons staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible.. Management has always prided itself on the amount of SHIT it gives employees.

Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring to the attention of your supervisor. They have been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.

Sincerely,

The Management

Dave Barry's colonoscopy Journal -- just hysterical ...

The Night Before Implementation

-- anonymous

'Twas the night before implementation and all through the house,

Not a program was working, not even a browse.

The programmers hung by their tubes in despair,

With hopes that a miracle soon would be there.

The users were nestled all snug in their beds,

While visions of inquiries danced in their heads.

When out in the machine room there arose such a clatter,

I sprang from my desk to see what was the matter.

And what to my wondering eyes should appear,

but a super programmer (with a six-pack of beer).

His resume glowed with experience so rare,

He turned out great code with a bit-pusher's flair.

More rapid than eagles, his programs they came,

And he cursed and muttered and called them by name.

On update! On add! On Inquiry! On Delete!

On batch jobs! On closings! On functions complete!

His eyes were glazed over, fingers nimble and lean,

From weekends and nights in front of a screen.

A wink of his eye and a twitch of his head,

Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread.

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,

Turning specs into code; then turned with a jerk.

And laying his finger upon the "ENTER" key,

The system came up and worked perfectly.

The updates updated; the deletes, they deleted;

The inquiries inquired, and closings completed.

He tested each whistle, and tested each bell,

With nary a bomb, and all had gone well.

The system was finished, the tests were concluded,

The users' last changes were even included.

And the user exclaimed with a snarl and a taunt,

"It's just what I asked for, but not what I want!"

WD-40

Before you read to the end, does anybody know what the main ingredient of WD-40 is?

Don't lie and don't cheat.

WD-40. Who knew?

I had a neighbor who had bought a new pickup. I got up very early one Sunday morning and saw that someone had spray painted red all around the sides of this beige truck (for some unknown reason). I went over, woke him up, and told him the bad news. He was very upset and was trying to figure out what to do, probably nothing until Monday morning, since nothing was open.

Another neighbor came out and told him to get his WD-40 and clean it off. It removed the unwanted paint beautifully and did not harm his paint job that was on the truck. I'm impressed! WD-40 who knew? "Water Displacement #40." The product began from a search for a rust preventative solvent and degreaser to protect missile parts.

WD-40 was created in 1953 by three technicians at the San Diego Rocket Chemical Company. Its name comes from the project that was to find a 'water displacement' compound. They were successful with the fortieth formulation, thus WD-40. The Convair Company bought it in bulk to protect their atlas missile parts.

Ken East (one of the original founders) says there is nothing in WD-40 that would hurt you. When you read the 'shower door' part, try it. It's the first thing that has ever cleaned that spotty shower door. If yours is plastic, it works just as well as glass. It's a miracle! Then try it on your stove top ... Voila! It's now shinier than it's ever been. You'll be amazed.

Here are some other uses:

1. Protects silver from tarnishing.
2. Removes road tar and grime from cars.
3. Cleans and lubricates guitar strings.
4. Gives floors that 'just-waxed' sheen without making them slippery.
5. Keeps flies off cows.
6. Restores and cleans chalkboards.
7. Removes lipstick stains.
8. Loosens stubborn zippers.
9. Untangles jewelry chains.
10. Removes stains from stainless steel sinks.
11. Removes dirt and grime from the barbecue grill.
12. Keeps ceramic/terra cotta garden pots from oxidizing .
13. Removes tomato stains from clothing.
14. Keeps glass shower doors free of water spots.
15. Camouflages scratches in ceramic and marble floors.
16. Keeps scissors working smoothly.
17. Lubricates noisy door hinges on vehicles and doors in homes.
18. It removes black scuff marks from the kitchen floor! Use WD-40 for those nasty tar and scuff marks on flooring. It doesn't seem to harm the finish and you won't have to scrub nearly as hard to get them off. Just remember to open some windows if you have a lot of marks.
19. Bug guts will eat away the finish on your car if not removed quickly! Use WD-40!
20. Gives a children's playground gym slide a shine for a super fast slide.
21. Lubricates gear shift and mower deck lever for ease of handling on riding mowers.
22. Rids kids rocking chairs and swings of squeaky noises.
23. Lubricates tracks in sticking home windows and makes them easier to open.
24. Spraying an umbrella stem makes it easier to open and close.
25. Restores and cleans padded leather dashboards in vehicles, as well as vinyl bumpers.
26. Restores and cleans roof racks on vehicles.
27. Lubricates and stops squeaks in electric fans.
28. Lubricates wheel sprocket s on tricycles, wagons, and bicycles for easy handling.
29. Lubricates fan belts on washers and dryers and keeps them running smoothly.
30. Keeps rust from forming on saws and saw blades, and other tools.
31. Removes splattered grease on stove.
32. Keeps bathroom mirror from fogging.
33. Lubricates prosthetic limbs.
34. Keeps pigeons off the balcony (they hate the smell).
35. Removes all traces of duct tape.
36. Folks even spray it on their arms, hands, and knees to relieve arthritis pain.
37. Florida 's favorite use is: "cleans and removes love bugs from grills and bumpers."
38. The favorite use in the state of New York, WD-40 protects the Statue o f Liberty from the elements.
39. WD-40 attracts fish. Spray a little on live bait or lures and you will be catching the big one in no time. Also, it's a lot cheaper than the chemical attractants that are made for just that purpose. Keep in mind though, using some chemical laced baits or lures for fishing are not allowed in some states.
40. Use it for fire ant bites. It takes the sting away immediately and stops the itch.
41. WD-40 is great for removing crayon from walls. Spray on the mark and wipe with a clean rag.
42. Also, if you've discovered that your teenage daughter has washed and dried a tube of lipstick with a load of laundry, saturate the lipstick spots with WD-40 and rewash. Presto! The lipstick is gone!
43. If you sprayed WD-40 on the distributor cap, it would displace the moisture and allow the car to start.

P. S. The basic ingredient is fish oil.